I feel my heart break as I stare at my now motherless child. She's sad, appears lost and confused. Shattered is all I can feel.
Today I sit as fearful and dreadful as I've ever been that I would ever die and leave my child at such an early age. I fell asleep last night with pondering of an "afterlife". My mothers uncle spoke of a near death experience while under care for heart attack. I'm not sure why the thoughts came to me in bed. I'm not sure why I let my imagination roam at bedtime. It's frustrating to say the least.
I've no idea how I ended up dead in my dream last night. It was very strange, because I die and then chose to go into the "light" You all have heard about the light? Well I go into this light and crawl out of a tent. What the fuck? My heaven is a campsite in Helen, GA? Damn. It's shortly after this event, and I'm not alone with this. It was strange, a faceless person, tall person was my companion. No idea. Seemed familiar, the man that is, but I've no idea exactly who he was. So then I see my daughter, all alone, sad, confused and lost. Seems like she's on a playground, perhaps at school. I'm devastated. At one point, I come behind her and stroke her hair and she knows I'm there, we chat for a minute and it seems like there is an "angel" or something telling me it won't be so bad, they aren't so cruel as to keep me from what I love. But I'm struggling with the words trying to explain to my daughter what happened.
I'm in tears now just thinking about the tragedy, the terribly horrible thoughts I have regarding this matter. I believe, today, I'm more afraid of an afterlife than none at all. To sit and wander in la-la land unseen and unknown and watch everything and everyone you love live their lives, to suffer and mourn the loss and tears and sadness. Also there is the thoughts of going to a place like heaven or hell and knowing those I love are far away on earth. I can't see them can't talk to them, watch them grow NOTHING. Just sit and wait with hopes that one day they too come to Heaven. Going into the "light" seems like the most selfish act I would ever make. Leaving. It's fucking redonkulous!
Death fucking sucks. I'm terrified, only for today, with my thoughts and the haunting dream of last night! I woke up mortified at the thoughts. I know where it all stems, like I said, for some reason I was thinking about what my mothers uncle was saying about his near death experience . In regards to the campsite, a friend of mine was mentioning camping in Helen over the weekend, due to the weather, that didn't happen. I miss my daughter so very much and will make sure to get my big hugs and smooches today when I pick her up from daycare. She's been with her Dad all weekend. The only real downfall to divorce. Sharing my daughter!
To clarify the strangeness for me. I've my doubts in religion. I've no idea what's true and what's fairy tale. Forgive my ignorance. My thoughts began to roam last night when I began to worry there is a God or Jesus and made me question why he would make my Mom go through so much in her 47 years of life. I'm just not sure. It's just not fair!