Today I sit as fearful and dreadful as I've ever been that I would ever die and leave my child at such an early age. I fell asleep last night with pondering of an "afterlife". My mothers uncle spoke of a near death experience while under care for heart attack. I'm not sure why the thoughts came to me in bed. I'm not sure why I let my imagination roam at bedtime. It's frustrating to say the least.
I've no idea how I ended up dead in my dream last night. It was very strange, because I die and then chose to go into the "light" You all have heard about the light? Well I go into this light and crawl out of a tent. What the fuck? My heaven is a campsite in Helen, GA? Damn. It's shortly after this event, and I'm not alone with this. It was strange, a faceless person, tall person was my companion. No idea. Seemed familiar, the man that is, but I've no idea exactly who he was. So then I see my daughter, all alone, sad, confused and lost. Seems like she's on a playground, perhaps at school. I'm devastated. At one point, I come behind her and stroke her hair and she knows I'm there, we chat for a minute and it seems like there is an "angel" or something telling me it won't be so bad, they aren't so cruel as to keep me from what I love. But I'm struggling with the words trying to explain to my daughter what happened.
I'm in tears now just thinking about the tragedy, the terribly horrible thoughts I have regarding this matter. I believe, today, I'm more afraid of an afterlife than none at all. To sit and wander in la-la land unseen and unknown and watch everything and everyone you love live their lives, to suffer and mourn the loss and tears and sadness. Also there is the thoughts of going to a place like heaven or hell and knowing those I love are far away on earth. I can't see them can't talk to them, watch them grow NOTHING. Just sit and wait with hopes that one day they too come to Heaven. Going into the "light" seems like the most selfish act I would ever make. Leaving. It's fucking redonkulous!
Death fucking sucks. I'm terrified, only for today, with my thoughts and the haunting dream of last night! I woke up mortified at the thoughts. I know where it all stems, like I said, for some reason I was thinking about what my mothers uncle was saying about his near death experience . In regards to the campsite, a friend of mine was mentioning camping in Helen over the weekend, due to the weather, that didn't happen. I miss my daughter so very much and will make sure to get my big hugs and smooches today when I pick her up from daycare. She's been with her Dad all weekend. The only real downfall to divorce. Sharing my daughter!
To clarify the strangeness for me. I've my doubts in religion. I've no idea what's true and what's fairy tale. Forgive my ignorance. My thoughts began to roam last night when I began to worry there is a God or Jesus and made me question why he would make my Mom go through so much in her 47 years of life. I'm just not sure. It's just not fair!
Very very nice. I Love it when people say what they actually think. It is a sad thought, but real, and that's what matters. Maybe your daughter will read this one day and be moved by your love for her.
ReplyDeleteI take a little from all religions. I actually like the Native American ideals of our elders guiding us through the pathway of life.
ReplyDeleteI don't attend church as much as I should, but when I go, I go to a black church, the pastor's voice just reaches in and grabs my soul and heart.
The music is so good too, when you walk in the gospel choir is so beautiful. They also have a band, keyboard, bass, drummer and sax that keys in during different segments of the sermon. Even though most times I'm the only white person there, they make me feel like that is where I belong. I can't say that about the white church up the street, when they all hug it's like trying to hug a fish!
I'm not a Bible thumper, just voicing my view of life the best that I can. I really think the key is just being a good honest person.
I just started reading your blog when you posted your first comment on mine. Sounds like you have had a lot on your plate and stress will bring out the negitive waves.
ReplyDeleteI just took a $17,000 paycut to get out of my department head position. They couldn't have gotten me to keep all that stress loaded up 24/7 even if they offered me another $10,000. Money isn't everything.
I was surviving before I got my promotion to that level, and will continue to survive! Peace and Happiness.....
I think you were dreaming of your Mom and the your daughter was you.... Dreams are funny things, sometimes the worst or scariest images are not what they seem to be. I'm sending a hug your way - You are a WONDERFUL Mom and Daughter - your writing tells us that.
ReplyDeleteHi Stewart, thanks for reading. Feel free to stumble your way through the pages of monkey butt. Lol... Don't get lost now :) You're right though, it's nice when people can just say what they think and how they feel, a nice change of pace most of the times and a breath of fresh air! :)
ReplyDeleteTim- I personally have never found faith. My parents forced me into church, well my Mom, because she though my sis and I were on a bad road to hell or something, lol, we were. But it didn't last. We toyed with the idea as kids, that didn't last either. It's a rare occasion I think of it either way. Here lately with my MOm and worry I guess everything ran together. I can understand the stress of work. I'm actually bored with mine and not making enough money for the stress this world puts me through. So I'm in the market for a new career!
Kristen- Thank you lady. You are always so sweet and say kind things. Dreams are weird, I really prefer the ones I can't remember! Really I do!