Crazy little thing called love

(photo taken here, short but interesting read)

Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.  ~Elizabeth Bowen

I've come to the realization that I may be slipping out of the fantasy idea I've been holding on to in regards to love. I get sucked into non fictional bullshit that I see on television with hopes that True Love exists.  I'm sure that it does, for some people. I know there are people who go in and out of love situations and run into them head first.  Bound and determined to Love with everything that is them! I myself, am incapable of doing so.  I can't see the silver lining. I cant unleash my heart to love and care for a significant other.

Through my 29 years of life, I've trampled on several hearts. It hurts me to have done so. I genuinely hate that I am this way. It's something that remains unchanged. I'm lost as to why I lock myself down and refuse to LOVE endlessly and whole hearted. On the flip side I find it comforting to know my heart will remain unbroken.

Once upon a time in another life. I fell in love. I loved and loved and loved. Making few mistakes along the adventure.  For a very long time, nothing swayed my feelings. No one else turned my head. There was no one else. Call it a child hood adoration or what have you. It was what it was. I was in love. Granted it was the childlike LOVE we all have known before. Never once did I imagine what it might be like to actually grow old with this boy. Time came and went and then the shit storm set in. It all crashed in front of my eyes. There was tears upon tears, tissues piled upon tissues and my heart, life and love was shattered.  

To say it the only way I can, this upsetting lost love set up a tangled web of mess for what is to be called my love life.  Rebound after rebound, I found happiness only within myself.  Happy to have if nothing else, just ME. I enjoyed the company of many a person after said events and eventually found myself in committed relationship after committed relationship, losing sight of all the happiness I had for me.  Time lost and loves lost, hearts broken and many tears fallen.  I've never felt the way I felt back then. I've never had my heart stomped and tossed out to die again. I don't want to feel that loss again. I don't want to cry broken hearted and alone, to face myself asking why I was so stupid to let it happen again!  

I get lost in panavision these days, watching love story after love story asking myself, 'I wonder if there is ever a person for me to LOVE like that again. If there will ever be a point in my life where I can be strong enough or weak enough to just let go and say OK.' One song here lately just makes me melt, makes me go awes, I can only vaguely remember the time in my life where I think I could feel even a little bit like that!  Even still, not quite!   It's just not in the cards for me I think. Love that is.  I find myself attracting all sorts of things in this lifetime and yet all I can do is just say, Oh please just let them understand. For what it's worth, I am so sorry for that which will probably happen. Please understand it's just WHO I AM!  I'm burning bridges along the way and will sadly end up with nothing left but ME.  

Why doesn't this bother me?    That's simple, because deep down I know, it's all ME!