Selfish me ...

The transport company delivered Mama MB home yesterday. Her pain seemed to be pretty unbearable at times. They've made  sure to provide her with any and all medications for pain that you can think of.  It's insanity.  Hospice is really doing a lot for her though, bringing a new and much better chair. The bed and the other things. Very nice indeed.

It's time to get  her as comfortable as possible, for what time she has left?  Or... whatever..

All this time, all these days. I'd been beating myself up, crying to myself, coming here to complain.  Woe is me because my Mama MB is probably going to die.  I don't want to lose hope, I don't want to give up the fight. Not until her heart stops...

But it all seems so hopeless.

Oh selfish me, because all my fear and sadness I've never, until today..... Stopped to think what Mama MB's mother, brothers and sisters are feeling. How hard this must be on them. How hard this is on everyone.  I want to shut down and suck it all up and handle my feelings in the best way I can for me, but is that the wrong way to do it? For the sake of the family?

Time to go home

Well I think I updated already that Mama MB was admitted into the hospital on Friday.  Bad dehydration, malnourished and they said she had a UTI. 

Saturday the men worked together and built her the oh so fabulous wheel chair ramp she needs. 

Sunday was a good day for us to visit Mama MB. 

Monday they held a meeting to discuss her options for the the time being:

• A) She can go into a hospice facility
• B) She can go home

Tuesday, they called Papa MB and he was informed that a decision must be made. Mama MB still has a voice, Mama MB wants to go home.  We decide together that she will have what she wants. We will do what we have to do to be sure she gets the care she needs, at home.

Papa MB says she may be coming home tomorrow.

Hospice provided her with a bed, a food tray, a shower chair and a thing for the potty.  Thank goodness for places like that to help those in need. Though I'm sure Medicare pays them well!

So there we are..

Still Hanging in there! 

Grasping for hope ....

Mama MB had yet another rough day today.  There are a lot of those lately, unfortunately.  Things aren't going to well.

They admitted her tonight, she's dehydrated, malnourished and has a UTI.   Running a bit of fever and still in pain when the medicine wears off. 

My aunt was able to get her on the pill form of the marijuana, with hopes that it would help her appetite, but the pill just started yesterday!   So we shall see where that goes.

Seeking a second opinion before we turn to hospice, a professional opinion at the ER said the same thing that her Dr had said weeks ago, should consider hospice.  How does one accept the fact that the only thing left to do is get her comfortable and wait for "it". How do you come to terms with " there is nothing else that can  be done". 

Harder than I thought...   Here's to hoping she makes  a turn and the suffering ends. 


and our guinea pig is dying.. .It's going to be a helluva month...

Ugh....

 

She's in and out of bed.... Doesn't seem to want to get up and down. She doesn't seem to have the strength. Or the desire?   She doesn't eat ... much. Or drink much.  Possibly dehydrated.  They should start radiation next week.  What's the point if she's going to let herself die from starvation or dehydration?  I shouldn't be so cruel and mean with my wordss.  But I love her so much. It breaks my heart. I die inside and I can't help but be scared to death that she is going to die.    She's in constant pain and she's on all of these pain medicines. Which seem to make her all groggy and sleepy. Thinking that she's taking too much of her medicine.  Things aren't very great right now.  I feel like all I can do is sit back and watch it all go down.  I wish they could make it all go away. I with they could make it all better. That she wasn't so sick. That she wasn't in so much pain.  I miss the days when she felt better.

We knew it would come to this one day didn't we?  That cancer treatments would be bad at some point and that she's gotten so lucky so far.

But the cancer treatments aren't working..

They're radiating the adrenal glands as well as a spot of her back.

From what I'm told it's spread to the liver as well.

The cancer in her lungs has spread and her others have grown in size.

It's not looking good.

But am I suppose to know this? 

Mama MB doesn't talk to me about it, I understand. I don't say anything to her because I can't imagine how she feels going through all of this. What she thinks about. When she's not drugged with pain medicine.

Life isn't fair. Life fucking sucks for my Mama MB and it's NOT FAIR!

I'm sorry for the terrible words today. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I just want to get it out.  Thanks my Dingleberries... 

 

 

How can I make her fight again?

I've had a lot going on lately. A lot on my mind. Especially with Mama MB's cancer. It's really hit a hard stop in the road... That's not to say her cancer as stopped. They should know something tomorrow.  She had CT scans ran last week.  Granny MB did tell me that her Dr thought last time they ran scans that it looked as though it had grown...Some more.

Every day I call her, every day she's on bed. Nothing seems to drive her to want to get out of bed anymore.  Not unless she absolutely HAS to. She's in constant pain.... They've got her on the oxycodone,  but it doesn't seem to last long enough. At this point, Mama MB seems to be living off pain medicine.  They've offered her another type of pain medicine which comes through a patch!!  She isn't too thrilled to get on that one.  Not entirely sure why she's hesitant on taking it.  I think she was mainly concerned that because they had to scan her body and check to be sure that she was able to take the medicine.  Her surgeon advised her that she would take it if it were available and I'm sure her Dr has said the same.  We will see what she decides.

Prayers needed, tomorrow is result day. As I've said. I pray things have improved... Or perhaps just halted a bit. I will be glad when they get her off this chemo she is on right now, as all the pain seems to have started since she began this treatment.

It pains me to call her lately, I love to go visit. But I'd rather see her out of bed and moving around. EATING would be nice! She doesn't do that anymore either.

I hope things pick up again... I hate her feeling crappy!

We're still hanging in there, I hope everyone else is doing well!!

"Pinktober"

It's rant time... Rant time is on..

My screen was sitting on the MSN site after logout from my email and suddenly there is a slap in my face.  A post about "pinktober".

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about breast cancer awareness. I'm all about early detection. I'm all about finding a cure and helping fight this awful sickness.

We all know that.

My mother is in a fight for her life with her breast cancer. Most of you have seen me post many, many, many times.  Her battle with this and her ups and downs as well as my own.

So I'm reading this post about "pinktober" and one woman's tale.  She is state IV which is the incurable stage.  (Also where Mama MB is) and she goes on to say how much she hates October. How she can't wait until the month is over. That this month is a slap in her face because she can't be cured. Because hers, like Mama MB's, cancer is far to gone to be controlled...

This slaps me in the face.. I cry daily over my moms sickness. That one day I could possibly lose my mother, not because she's old, not because she has lived a long full life and seen her great grand kids run through her house.  I might lose her because of this monster called breast cancer.

I have a friend who constantly posts things about disliking Komen and this and that foundation for breast cancer.

I can't find the fault in raising awareness. I don't see it as a ploy to gain more income by mammograms and testings. I can't see that,.

Breast cancer is real. Breast cancer kills. I'm sorry it's a slap in her face that we're raising it up and raising awareness.

My heart bleeds and my tears run for this woman and Mama MB and every other woman who will die from this.

But we can't feel bad for supporting  what could be a good cause. For what might help at least raise awareness and tell women. Hey this is real. This is something I should keep in check. Because we're all possible victims of this monster.

We want to say, and I've said it myself. Ahhh that can't happen to me.  Well it did. My Mama MB has breast cancer, an incurable breast cancer and I could lose her because of it.  I will continue to walk and raise awareness and women if you're battling cancer.. If you can get out and walk a walk, Do it.. Do it for yourself and raise awareness because our kids need that!  Mama MB might not be where she is right now if we'd raised awareness 2 years ago.

You don't have to wear pink ribbons to raise awareness. But you have to be involved. What have you got to lose?

One day at a time...

  Just hung up with Mama MB again today. She sounds a lot better and from what she tells me she is feeling so much better.

Looks like the percacet is a good thing for Mama MB. 

Results from the CT scan were in today as well when she went in for treatments.  Still cloudy here on what they were actually scanning for. I thought she had told me they were checking her bones. I thought that meant they were checking her bones for cancer?  Still not sure on that.  From what she says now, they were checking the bones to be sure she could be put on a type of pain medicine?  She did mention they wanted to check and be sure there was no cancer where she was complaining with. 

Good news, she doesn't have cancer in her bones and there isn't cancer there where they scanned. She's safe to take this "other" medicine, but she declined. I think  I might have done the same if  ya have to scan first to be sure the bones are OK?  WTF?

They think maybe the pain is coming from bad bones and arthritis.  Guess these are just things that come with age...

She's feeling better. 

One day at a time...

Hang  in there!

Breast Cancer Update: A flicker of light?

Mama MB had her chemo treatments today, when I called and spoke with Granny MB she tells me that Mama MB was feeling OK. Her treatment was almost finished.

News in from the doctor, her blood work came back really good and Mama MB's pain had eased up some. So that gave them (the doctors)  reason to hope that perhaps the chemo is working this time. Maybe, just maybe the chemo is shrinking the cancer down.

source ( I can't make heads or tails of this shit)

Did I ever report their findings or the final word on the pain Mama MB was having? The pain that sent her to the ER one night, which mind you caused me some stress.  Well from what I'd read on Facebook she said it was pleurisy, well turns out it was only like pleurisy.  I've never fraking heard of pleurisy before. From what the interwebs tells me and of course what Mr. MB's Mom tells me it's really painful and is when fluid builds up between the lung and chest.  Caused from some cancers, among other things.  So perhaps it really was this thing called pleurisy.



But final word was, Mama MB was doomed to suffer the "pleurisy" until the chemo starts to work.  Nothing was going to make it go away, if it got too bad they could do a procedure that would drain the fluid, but I'm sure it would only build back up again, over time.

Mama MB got a bit of hopeful good news today. She hasn't been eating well lately and some members of the family was worried she was sinking into a bit of depression. I give it everything I can to be sure she keeps her chin up and keeps on praying.

We love the Mama MB and want her well again, at least get things under control.

So it's like I always say,

Hang in there! 

Cancer Update.... sort of

It's Thursday again, means that Mama MB is most likely on the car on her trip down for chemo treatments this morning.

Just sending this out into the blogosphere and asking for prayers.  She's been on this round for a few weeks now and God I hope it's working.... We need some good news with this cancer. I know prayer and love and every good vibe you all sent her way during radiation really helped.

Now we must focus everything on the chemo treatments. I know you're all with me.

Like I said, I just wanted to send this out there!! I love my Mama MB and I just want her well.


*Note to readers, Mama MB didn't have chemo today, she was only in for blood work, so that's a plus, they're on the 2 on 1 off schedule.  Keep the prayers coming anyways... 

Oh the waiting. ...

The suspense is killing me.  Mama Monkey Butt is back to her routine, Thursdays at the chemo clinic. Can I call it that?

I attempted to call my grandma aka Granny because she takes her to her appointments and is responsible for spilling the beans as to what, if anything, the Dr tells Mama Monkey Butt.Seems she (Mama MB) can't be trusted to spread the word! Bless her heart it's just in one ear and out the other as of lately.

So I'm asking again, because I don't know what's been said or not, but pray for good news from the Doctors this morning, regarding Mama Monkey Butt's CTscans!

Updaters: Metastatic Brain Cancer

OK some updates, because it's been a minute I guess. 

• Mama Monkey Butt has completed her radiation series. Or whatever the technical term for that is. 

What.. I think ten treatments of radiation, driving from Jefferson to Lawrenceville, round trip about 60 miles. This wasn't a long procedure either from what I gather. They weren't forced to sit in the office for an extended period of time.

• They've cut the dosage back on the steroids, which she's hating.  They really helped her nose too.  "Magic drugs" I think she called them.

From what she told me today she will have more scans done in a couple of weeks to check the cancer in the brain.  We're seeking healing thoughts and prayers from those who care that this radiation worked and we can get back to focus on getting her cancer in remission. 

No end in sight right now, because they've yet to get the right chemo to do the trick on her cancer.  But don't lost hope, because we're definitely not!  They can't tell us she's terminal, because we don't know the meaning of that word!

Goodnight my friends and Thank you!

Physical Therapy and High Hopes!

Hey Hey Hey my Dear Dingleberries!  There's no late breaking news or anything like that. No progress or fumbles to report.  Mama Monkey Butt is in the makings of healing from her mastectomy!  No real complaints from her either. I guess, in her case, it went pretty well.. Considering!

So this week, I've more words directly from Mama Monkey Butt's fingers. This she posted on Facebook this week and I was just dying to share the news with you awesome folks!!

"Had 1st physical therapy today, I am sore, but it went great, stretched silly and stretched and stretched. Dr. Does it really matter, put off chemo til next week, he said he wants to give me one more week to heal up, just because Dr. I'm not telling still had the tube in me, She removed it today, Every visit at each office went Great, Each doctor was completely satisfied with the results, the surgeon released me today, asked me to come back in 6 months, just for check up. chemo will start back next Thursday as well as Physical Therapy, every Thursday. Jesus Loves Me, I Love You All." 

 

So there ya have it, straight from Mama Monkey Butts mouth.  She's fighting like a champ with no thoughts of giving up, throwing in the towel or calling it quits. It makes me sad she has to deal with this shit, on top of everything else this life has thrown her. But lucky for her and all of us, we're in this together.  This cancer is going down.  Frak you cancer, Frak you and your Fraking evilness!!! Grrr!!!

Hang in there!

Good News from Mama,

 

"My surgeon called me today, She said she got the complete breast cancer with surgery. She said all the tissue around what she took was cancer free, that is what told her she got all of it. She said she took 11 lymph nodes from under my arm, only 1 tested positive for cancer, so maybe this is a good sign, I feel good about it, I wanted You all to know- love you"  -Mama Monkey Butt

Words from Mama Monkey Butt :)  We're feeling good to have gotten some good news. Thank you everyone who said a prayer or sent a good vibe.  Thank you all for all the kind words.  Here's to hoping the Dr's will be full of good news in days to come. Chemo begins again in April. 

Not for the weak hearted (GRAPHIC PHOTOS)

Mama Monkey Butt had an awesome surgery experience, or so I'd say. She may say differently, but I seriously doubt that. She went home Saturday, only one day later. Not even a full day I'm sure.  She felt pretty good, pain wasn't too awful. Sunday we were visiting for a bit and she seemed like she felt pretty good then as well.  For that we are sooooo glad.  She's such a fighter, so strong and so amazing. I'm floored at the bravery of this woman.  I will stop with my boring words though and share something she posted on facebook today. Mind you this isn't  a self portrait of Mama Monkey Butt, but take my word for it, her battle wounds look pretty much just like that of the beautiful woman in this photo!!!  

THIS IS NOT FOR THE WEAK AT STOMACH!!!

It's amazing what we go through at times.... 

"Peoples, I am alive, have went through the breast removal, went like a breeze! Hurray! But, let the truth be told, I am one breast less, that is not going to be pretty although I think I can manage that part. At least now, once I heal from this surgery, I can put a bra on, and Stuff it, just like us girls did when we were ten and wanted to look older, ha ha. At least then I can look normal again, but I want people to actually see what a person really looks like when this happens, this picture isn’t me, I don’t even have my tape stitches off yet, but I do have these hoses, that's scary. Something sucking fluid out of my body, and I see that bloody red streak from left to right, where the surgeon put my skin together. But it's not fun to look down my body and see such a flat depressed part of my body, where once before I was attacked by a monster, I was personally satisfied with, I'm going to miss this piece of my body, today I wondered where my breast was, I wish this had not of happened, but more than anything right now, I wasn’t the young ladies of this world to hear these words coming from a common person, and not some professional's mouth. Please don't hate me for posting this, and I'm going to block Carlin sis, I don't want her seeing such things, but I do want it seen. I Love You All."
-Mama Monkey Butt

The monster has been removed,

Mama Monkey Butt  had her left breast removed today.  That "monster" is gone.  They removed a plum size mass of nodes under her arm area.  Those are gone.  There are more nodes infected as well as her lung.  The battle isn't over.

Mama Monkey Butt is on a road of recovery right now, but before we know it she will back in the chemo chair again and last we heard from her Dr she would have chemo every week for 3 weeks with a week off and then 3 more weeks before a scan.

The chemo has to work this time, it just has to!

It's surgery time,

Update time on Mama Monkey Butt and her breast cancer battle.  Of course she's still surviving, fighting like a true champ.  The time has come though for them to do surgery.  The Dr's are worried that because the chemo isn't helping she may set up a case of gangrene. I know pretty much not a damn thing about gangrene other than the stories I hear that they use maggots to eat away the gangrene. If you ask me that's pretty damn nasty!  Just sayin'.

So the words right now are that nothing much as improved to put it bluntly. They're going to remove her breast, Friday.  2 more days and it will be gone. 

My aunt was my informant this time and she had a lot of... information for me to take in. For that I am glad.

I've a lot of thoughts I'm working through right now and I can't seem to get them straight and in line for a blog post, so for now. I'm leaving you with just this.  It's a battle this cancer wants, it's a battle it's getting. Because Mama Monkey Butt ain't no fool.  This shit won't get her!! Not a chance!

On behalf of my ass!

It's been a minute since I posted anything much at all in regards to Mama Monkey Butt and her battle with breast cancer.  Here I am finally getting around to it. I shouldn't put it off, but really there wasn't much to update. She's still getting chemo treatments every 3 weeks and running to and from the Dr for blood work and CT scans.  The norm I presume.  So this week Mama Monkey Butt had something to share on facebook and with her permission of course I'm sharing it with you. Her trials and feelings in her struggle!  It blew me away to see her share this I was so happy to see her come up and speak her mind. To share  her feelings on the subject. To talk about her fears. I don't see her enough nor do I talk to her enough and it KILLS me inside knowing this.  She has since deleted the post on facebook, but I managed to get my hands on it for all you Dingleberries to read on!   So I will stop my babbles and get on with the sharing!  Enjoy!  Hang  n there Dingleberries!

"Had some chick call this afternoon wanting donations for breast cancer. I ask who she is, she tells me she is calling on behalf of "American cancer society", but doesn't tell me who or what group she is with. I ask her, "so you are not the American cancer society?" She tells me "no", she is calling on behalf of, that scares me. I tell her she could be john doe from right up the street wanting my card number. she tells me curtly, "That's fine, if you don't want to help women with breast cancer. That's fine." and hangs up. I want to tell her how I feel, I have this monster, was a b cup, now my left arm wont lay down and rest easily beside me. Have an open, nasty place on the bottom of my breast where this monster has eaten its way to the outside of my body. I wear and change a gauze, many times daily. For the fear of getting an infection from this open place, and these people that call, and just because I wont give my card numbers to a person that I cant verify is truly who they are saying, get cold and hang up the phone on me. I hope I've done no wrong, of all people, I'd love to help somehow. I don't have a lot of money, but I don't like being made feel like I don't care about this monster that I am fighting right now for my very own life! I hope some of those people who work at these sites, see messages like this and possibly see how they make people like us feel, just because we wont willingly hand our identifications and numbers to people over the telephone. I hope I survive, I look forward to this look. Never thought I'd be saying those words, girls- Beware "

The world never ceases to piss me off, in amazing ways.  But leave it to a telemarketer to be an asshat.  That's OK we will prep mom for the next one!  Ah yes we will! 

Breast Cancer Updaters....

Mama Monkey Butt has treatment today.  I have not heard from her.  I worry constantly that it is all bringing her down. It stresses me more than anything else.

Life is a hard place for me right now, too many thoughts. Most of which are bad.

Life is really real right now.

So dear Dingleberries, hang in there as things go through a rough patch with me and keep Mama Monkey Butt and her breast cancer battles in your thoughts and prayers. 

She needs all she can get all of the time.

<3 

Chemo Updates....

Well hello Dingleberries. Here I am recovering from a serious case of slack ass monkey butt.  Very serious illness if I do say so myself.

Updates on Mama Monkey Butt though..

Last week, I didn't blog this one, she went down for chemo.  Well all the excitement from hearing her breast had shrank down in size, the Dr was concerned that it had came back up in size.  The Dr requested another CT scan so they did not do any treatments last week. They ran a new CT scan and spoke of changing the medicines and all if there wasn't any changes.

So this morning, Mama Monkey Butt is down again for chemo. They are actually doing the chemo today. They did change the medicines for the chemo and said that some of the cancer has shrank and some of it has not or has grown. She didn't specify and of course this is all done in text message. I will call her tonight and perhaps can have something more witty to say regarding this matter another time.

Again I feel like such a piece of Monkey poo because I haven't been calling like I should, I haven't been visiting like I should.  The price of gas is going back up and I'm trying to save money and stressing myself over shit in my own life. I'm just selfish pile of Monkey poo thrown against a wall right now. 

But Dingleberries, don't give up on me. I tend to pull through things, eventually. Keep praying for Mama Monkey Butt in her cancer treatment and keep us in your thoughts.  Till next time. 

Day 5, 2012

Day 5, January 10th, 2012

So this thing wants to give me a hard time at uploading my photo.  It hates me and I think I am hating it right now as well.  I've decided I'd like to do that 3 day walk for the cure, Susan Komen breast cancer walk.  I think it would be really awesome and so far I've no idea what I'm doing.  It seems like a very rewarding experience but there is a lot involved with fundraising and preparations and the stuff like that.  If I commit then I've only  got until October to raise like 2300 bucks.  Iyiyi, sounds like a big commitment and honestly considering Im posta be SAVING money, that sounds hard. Maybe we can do a team, but can they all walk together if they meet the goal?  I'm so confused.

Happy Day 5 Dingleberries, I hope you enjoyed the music for today, check it out if you've forgotten or overlooked it.  I've gotta exercise....again..some more... UGH!