Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Ugh....



 
She's in and out of bed.... Doesn't seem to want to get up and down. She doesn't seem to have the strength. Or the desire?   She doesn't eat ... much. Or drink much.  Possibly dehydrated.  They should start radiation next week.  What's the point if she's going to let herself die from starvation or dehydration?  I shouldn't be so cruel and mean with my wordss.  But I love her so much. It breaks my heart. I die inside and I can't help but be scared to death that she is going to die.    She's in constant pain and she's on all of these pain medicines. Which seem to make her all groggy and sleepy. Thinking that she's taking too much of her medicine.  Things aren't very great right now.  I feel like all I can do is sit back and watch it all go down.  I wish they could make it all go away. I with they could make it all better. That she wasn't so sick. That she wasn't in so much pain.  I miss the days when she felt better.
We knew it would come to this one day didn't we?  That cancer treatments would be bad at some point and that she's gotten so lucky so far.
But the cancer treatments aren't working..
They're radiating the adrenal glands as well as a spot of her back.
From what I'm told it's spread to the liver as well.
The cancer in her lungs has spread and her others have grown in size.
It's not looking good.
But am I suppose to know this? 
Mama MB doesn't talk to me about it, I understand. I don't say anything to her because I can't imagine how she feels going through all of this. What she thinks about. When she's not drugged with pain medicine.
Life isn't fair. Life fucking sucks for my Mama MB and it's NOT FAIR!
I'm sorry for the terrible words today. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I just want to get it out.  Thanks my Dingleberries... 
 
 

26 comments:

  1. I don't know your specific circumstance but I do know the helplessness of being able to only watch. Everything I try to type seems so empty. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there, life does suck sometimes but the lows serve to remind just how good the good times are.

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    1. The helpless feelings are the worst! I'm holding tight to all the good moments we've had and are having! :) Thanks you!

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  2. Go ahead and let it out. We're here for you.

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    1. Thank you Stephen. It makes me feel better to get some of it out at times.

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  3. It does fucking suck and it's okay to say so. It's not easy letting go, whether you're expecting it or not. I have not lost an immediate family member to cancer (though some have fought cancer), but to other ailments and I can tell you that no matter what, it all fucking sucks. All you can do is be there for her and love her. My heart aches for you, my friend. Many bloggy hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks J.Day! I'm still hopeful that she won't lose this battle. She just has to remember what all she has to fight for. I can't imagine the battle she's going through.

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  4. Oh, I feel so awful for you. I remember when my Grandmother fought breast cancer and it spread. The best we could do was try to make her comfortable and she liked it when we read to her and just talked to her. I will keep your family in my prayers.

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    1. Thank you!! Cancer is an evil evil thing. I'm sorry for your Grandmother! :/ No one should have to go through this!

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  5. I have heard of so many of stories like this, people on so many different drugs they just can't function or don't want to function. I've heard of many stories where the patient stops taking all of the pain meds, morphine, Oxy and other meds and switch to marijauna "alone," and funtion much better with an increased appetite. People should have that choice, this isn't a free country, we are dictated as to what we are free to do. It pisses me off so much!

    God bless

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    1. The meds really do mess her up. It's BS, but why should she suffer in pain. I wish there was something else, perhaps we can just find a happy medium. I'm hoping the meds level out and she can gain a little control over all this new!

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  6. If you get netflix, watch the documentary "Lynching Charlie Lynch." I never cried so much watching any movie in my life, I just watched it yesterday.

    If my sister goes down that road and wants that choice, I will risk my life, limbs and indefinate incarsaration to try and comfort her any way SHE choses!

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    1. I don't want to cry anymore Tim! I'm with you though, we love them so much. We will do whatever, whenever, no matter what. For those that we love. I can't imagine how you feel, it being your sister. I can't imagine how Mama MB's brothers and sisters feel. HOw her Mom feels each day when she helps her. It's hard! ::hugs::

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  7. My dad went through this before he died- but it was a long time back and a lot quicker a fall. He simply saw what was coming and decided not to find it. Not real easy on those who are left, but you know what? It's their life and decision, and there ain't a thing we can do about it. And its not our fault.

    I know it hurts, and it's frustrating, but you look at it from her side- it's the only power she has left. Can't say I'd do any different.

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    1. I try and try to figure out how she might feel, but I'm sure she doesn't want to die. I know she wants to live, she wants to fight. She's just lost the strength. I just pray it comes back in time. Today showed me that she still has fight. It just gets diluded with the meds I think!

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  8. Hugs to you and yours, and furry kisses from Bazinga!

    ~ The Cat And The Coffee Cup ~

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  9. You're not cruel or mean with your words. You just want her at peace.
    I remember, as I watched my mother struggle for each and every breath in the final days of her life, I kept wishing, "Die, please die."

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    1. Oh gawd I'm sorry Al. I don't want it to be like that. I don't want her to suffer. She shouldn't have to. Im so sorry!

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  10. stinks so much to see anyone be so sick...especially someone you love. Hospice is a wonderful help for you and her.

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    1. I've heard no more talk of hospice. That's a discussion for another time I suppose!

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  11. Hi, Nice post thanks for sharing. Would you please consider adding a link to my website on your page. Please email me back.

    Thanks!

    Randy
    randydavis387@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

Dingleberry says: