Ahhh to miss someone ....

This picture is dated a little over a year before she passed away.  Life is a messed up place sometimes isn't it?  I sit and think about all the things she has missed already.

I look out my kitchen window most nights watching for her to come walking through the woods from her house to mine ...  It's never going to happen ....  I hate that!

Life is hard ....  I miss my Mama MB so very much!

- Hang in there!  

RIP, Mama Monkey Butt

We laid Mama MB to rest on Wednesday, November 28th, 2012.  It was a very sad day and the day that confirmed it all. No pinching needed, this is not a dream. My Mama MB has left this world.  She is soaring now above us all in her heaven.  With her Dad and as Pokey says, our poor little deceased Rhino (the guinea pig).

I miss her so much.  She was a part of my everything.  For weeks now I've cried many a tear worrying over the "what ifs" those what ifs are confirmed and though I thought it would be harder, I thought I could run away from it all.

But I can't, for the sake of those that I love. I can't leave this place.  I just can't fathom the loss of losing everyone around me as well. For something so selfish as weakness. 

I miss my Mama MB. I miss her more than I've missed anything else in this world. I've lost my mind on many occasions and this loss is far greater.

I want to again, thank you all. With everything that is left of me.... For your kind words, for being here to read my words. To share with me your stories  of loss as well.  You've no idea how much you people mean to me and the times you've helped me through so far in this short lifetime of ours. 

Thank you... 

- still hanging in there

Damn....

Mama MB lost her fight with breast cancer tonight.  It's a sad day and she will be missed. Thank you all for always being here to listen to me.  Love my Dinglberries and I know she always appreciated your kind words!!

Monday's Fun Day's

Monday's Fun Day's? Sounds like an oxymoron to me with what looks like a few grammatical errors there as well. For those who get their panties wadded up, please forgive me for the errors!  I know not what I'm doing!   It made a cute jingle though.


Can you believe it's the week of Thanksgiving?  I'll get to my birthday stuff in a minute. This week is posta be the oh so hectic get a turkey together and spend lots of time with the family.  Well we've all been seeing a good bit of everyone as of lately. What with Mama MB being so sick and all.  Up until recently when there was a huge falling out with the family, they were there... DAILY. Now it's not so busy.  For that I am kind of glad, because Mama MB seems to be suffering a little less without all the  noise and people coming and going.  Gotta take the good with the bad I guess... .Or did I just use that in the wrong place?    Regardless, we're talking about Thanksgiving, all the while my aunt.  Her husband killed himself in 2007 and some time ago her mother in law moved in with her, after her husband passed away. She's like 87. Poor thing fell coming out of the house the other day.  Has not regained consciousness  They're saying they will take her off life support today. They didn't do it yesterday because it was her grandson's birthday. So sad, she was such a super sweet lady. Granny MB said she was crazy, but damn Granny..She's 87. Give the old woman a break!  I think we're entitled to be crazy when we hit our 80s! Don't you?  Terrible news right, she's not my family, but my family loved her;  I did too.

Anyone have an awesome plans for Thanksgiving this year?  Ours seem to be a bit scattered, unsure of what each day will bring at this point!

Its been a helluva year!!!

So my birthday... It was OK.  I was lucky enough to find a sitter for Pokey, Mr MB and I went down and met with one of my favorite ladies and we were able to watch the Twilight Breaking Dawn pt 2.  It was sooooo awesome.  Ya knew I would say that though. Really loved it and though I'm sad to see it come to an end, it ended pretty cool.  Sadly all things must come to an end... Right?  Was a bit sad that Mama MB wasn't able to tell me Happy Birthday. I think it really made it sink in when Mr MB told me Happy Birthday on the way home from the movies. It was after 12 and he said he was the first.  I chuckled and told him that was only because Mama MB couldn't tell me.  Being she doesn't talk anymore! That and she was probably zonked from all the morphine. She as always the first to tell me Happy Birthday!  I miss her so much and she hasn't even left this world yet

I said out loud that night... I wish she would get better, just so she could reflect back on all this shit that we're going through right now. So she could go damn, that was a ride.  Keep wishing right?  I've hoped all I can hope... What do I do now?

So here's to hoping the week picks up and things go smoothly.  Happy Monday Dingleberries!!

Hang in there!

Music For A Tuesday: Over the Rainbow

 

Mama MB once told me how much she loved this version of this song, as I sit here and cry at the rest of what she told me that day... That one day she wantsd this song played at her funeral. 

I'm scared we may actually have to do just that.. I hope and pray it's not anytime soon but she doesn't seem to be getting any strength what so ever. Just seems to go up and down.  No good news to report in regards to Mama MB.  She's still hanging in there. Is that the best we can look forward to?

It's not fair... But I've said that before. My heart aches for what could be and dreads what might be! 

Selfish me ...

The transport company delivered Mama MB home yesterday. Her pain seemed to be pretty unbearable at times. They've made  sure to provide her with any and all medications for pain that you can think of.  It's insanity.  Hospice is really doing a lot for her though, bringing a new and much better chair. The bed and the other things. Very nice indeed.

It's time to get  her as comfortable as possible, for what time she has left?  Or... whatever..

All this time, all these days. I'd been beating myself up, crying to myself, coming here to complain.  Woe is me because my Mama MB is probably going to die.  I don't want to lose hope, I don't want to give up the fight. Not until her heart stops...

But it all seems so hopeless.

Oh selfish me, because all my fear and sadness I've never, until today..... Stopped to think what Mama MB's mother, brothers and sisters are feeling. How hard this must be on them. How hard this is on everyone.  I want to shut down and suck it all up and handle my feelings in the best way I can for me, but is that the wrong way to do it? For the sake of the family?

Grasping for hope ....

Mama MB had yet another rough day today.  There are a lot of those lately, unfortunately.  Things aren't going to well.

They admitted her tonight, she's dehydrated, malnourished and has a UTI.   Running a bit of fever and still in pain when the medicine wears off. 

My aunt was able to get her on the pill form of the marijuana, with hopes that it would help her appetite, but the pill just started yesterday!   So we shall see where that goes.

Seeking a second opinion before we turn to hospice, a professional opinion at the ER said the same thing that her Dr had said weeks ago, should consider hospice.  How does one accept the fact that the only thing left to do is get her comfortable and wait for "it". How do you come to terms with " there is nothing else that can  be done". 

Harder than I thought...   Here's to hoping she makes  a turn and the suffering ends. 


and our guinea pig is dying.. .It's going to be a helluva month...

Let me Live

I think as humans we come to lose value and appreciation.  The constant drag downs and suffering.  Those I care so dearly for in constant struggle.  Or perhaps this brings them to appreciate more than the rest of us. More than myself. 

I sit back only to piss and moan about the constant groaning and suffering of those I love.  Those who choose not to make their situations better. Sadly I thrive on those who are too weak to make it better. TO take their lives in their own hands and control their worlds.  I make it my point every day to make something better of my situations. To avoid any and all of this constant media whose only goal is to make us feel bad about our lives.

I’m torn and angry right now as my world as I know it is taking shape into something I don’t care to know about. I remember being a child and not knowing and not caring was  what the world was to me.  I know today I must be a grown up, I must get out of bed each morning with the sunshine peaking through the limbs of trees. I must stir my darling daughter from her slumber and we being responsible children make our way into the world, each and every day. There is not always time for that awesome walk or bike ride that takes me away from the world.  Takes me away from the interwebs that I may add are only here to poison my mind with the nonsense I enjoy staying away from, the drama of someone else’s fantasies. To be blunt, the shit I just don’t care to know!  I don’t care who died by lethal injection and how cruel and evil it was. How wrong they were to make an example of said soul. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time?  Well it’s either that or hell ya may have just been guilty. Why should I stress myself over things that are not in my control? Over things, I have nothing to do with?  Perhaps if we make ourselves better people and tend to our own business we wouldn’t be in said wrong places at the wrong time.

I’ve no pity for these fools. I’ve no desire to dish my two cents in the whole thing only to be criticized and cursed for my jaded mind. Perhaps it’s jaded because they have brought me there. I want to live and let live.  Peace is such a bullshit line that for many a decade they have preached and praised for peace but we won’t see the world at peace.  Face it! It’s a bullshit world full of bullshit wars and bullshit lies.  Accept it and move on with your life.  Will ya?  I’m at peace with my life. Sure I would enjoy more money. Sure I would enjoy more life. Sure I would enjoy all of the above and extra days off during the week. But it just isn’t in the cards for me. I’m happy living my life, going to work every day and raising my child to be as hard working and responsible as I am. I can’t sit around at home today working my dream job and living like shit.  It doesn’t sound exciting to me! It doesn’t sound like me at all!  

Here’s an idea.  Enjoy your days and who gives a shit what the world is doing?! They’ve been at it for years and have yet to get it right.  Just let it go! Live your lives and stop preaching and stressing and pushing our lives full of the drama we are trying to avoid! 

photo taken here