Just something nice

 Thought the place could use a little sprucing up.

Pictures of Mama MB.

Missing her like crazy always, but today and tonight something serious.

1st year,

So it was today, last year at 6:50 pm that my dear Mama MB passed away.... One of the saddest days in my 32 years of life.  Which is expected.  When you love some one as much as I loved her.  It's true, when I read a pin the other day that Mom is one of our first loves.  There are no words truer in this world.  I pray my children feel for me, if only a smidgen, the way I felt for Mama MB. The way I feel, the way I will always feel. She may be gone from this world. Gone from my sight and I can't "hear" her voice. She will live on forever, in my heart and memories. With each glance I catch in the mirror, through the eyes of my monkeys and from my family.

She left her mark on this world, that's for sure.  I can almost guarantee anyone who met her, surely could never forget her.

I sit back and think about it all the time, every day when I come down the hill and look up and see her house sitting up there. I know she's not there, my Dad is there and her pets are there.  It's a constant reminder though of how much I miss her.

This day last year, I had no idea how sick she was.  Papa MB didn't call us and let us know. I remember reading his text, that she wasn't' doing well at all.  I went down the hill, up the hill and to her house...

It was then it hit.  She passed that night ....

I miss her so much.  It's been a year. I still feel like she's going to come home from some vacation or that she won't be mad at me tomorrow and I can call and talk to her, lol. Not that I've any idea what she would be mad at me for.

Wish she was here to meet her first grand son.

Ding Ding...

Round 3, 4 and 5 for the land of Monkey Butts..  4 is so minor in comparison to 3 and 4.

• The boss lady here at work, her Mother passed away yesterday ..... 

• Mr. MB's Mom called last night and their old dog isn't doing so well. He could very well be on his last stretch of life..

• This morning, shockingly, Papa MB sent over a text message informing me that his mother has passed away this morning ..

Please pray for Papa MB and our families in this another time of loss and saddness. I know how I felt losing my Mama MB, I can't begin to imagine what Papa MB is going through right now ...

Thursday's Monkey Butt

It was a very shittastic day and last night was nothing better either... I'm tired, will attempt to give more details tomorrow!

Hang in there

RIP, Mama Monkey Butt

We laid Mama MB to rest on Wednesday, November 28th, 2012.  It was a very sad day and the day that confirmed it all. No pinching needed, this is not a dream. My Mama MB has left this world.  She is soaring now above us all in her heaven.  With her Dad and as Pokey says, our poor little deceased Rhino (the guinea pig).

I miss her so much.  She was a part of my everything.  For weeks now I've cried many a tear worrying over the "what ifs" those what ifs are confirmed and though I thought it would be harder, I thought I could run away from it all.

But I can't, for the sake of those that I love. I can't leave this place.  I just can't fathom the loss of losing everyone around me as well. For something so selfish as weakness. 

I miss my Mama MB. I miss her more than I've missed anything else in this world. I've lost my mind on many occasions and this loss is far greater.

I want to again, thank you all. With everything that is left of me.... For your kind words, for being here to read my words. To share with me your stories  of loss as well.  You've no idea how much you people mean to me and the times you've helped me through so far in this short lifetime of ours. 

Thank you... 

- still hanging in there

Saying Farewell, Bagger.

It just hit me that I've actually succeeded in getting rid of Bagger (guinea pig #2) this morning.  It also just hit me that I'm sad by this.  I really liked Bagger, he had a personality all his own and was nothing like our buddy Rhino (Guinea pig #1).

They couldn't live together though.

Rhino has some....allergy to shavings.  He still has issues with his eye getting all goopy and well they enjoyed chasing each other around and trying to eat each other I think.

Not a good thing if you ask me!

But Bagger is gone now and like I said, I feel sad. I hope it doesn't affect Pokey too much. She's back and forth with her emotions on this matter.  Money seemed to distract her emotions a bit though.

That's wrong isn't it?

Hang in there!

Damn these Mondays...

source

I had a rough start to this morning. I don't know why, just life and a bump in the road I assume.  It started great with Pokey though. It really did, she wasn't pissy or mean, no yelling, kicking or spitting. A wonderful little happy monkey this morning. I was really genuinely happy.

On the way to work I started thinking, I've been doing that some here lately.  Time to blow the dust off the old brain I guess. Get some things to moving, because it's been a while.   Since I've really thought about anything.

Mama Monkey Butt said the cancer was/is killing her. She said this to me on Saturday and though I wasn't strong enough to hold back the tears. To not let her see me cry, because she doesn't need that. She needs me to be strong, she doesn't need to worry about me falling apart. I can't fall apart, I'm her inspiration to keep on pushing.  Because no matter what she thinks, or wants to think.  She can beat this.  I think.  I know it's going to take more than  just me saying so though.  She has to believe it as well.  I think I hope she knows she can beat this.  Defy her God and all of science and take this bitch down like no one's business!  It can and will happen.

source

So I've done a lot of soul searching over the weekend and it pains me to see and realize just how far my friends and I have grown apart. Though were we ever really that close to begin with?  As some of you know, I started blogging, because I'd walked into a room of friends who were talking about me. (READ MORE HERE) Talking together about some things I'd been saying to them. Now I've never confronted them and don't ever intend on doing so, because it is what it is. I've done the same thing, far worse I'm sure.  I don't know what exactly was said before I walked into the room, but none of that matters. It just means I started talking to all of you about some of my problems instead of sharing them with my friends. It really is a move to protect myself really, to protect me from those who can hurt me. As you all know, I most likely will never walk into a room full of you guys and gals talking smack about the Monkey Butt!  Right?  Ya know I fling poo, so it would be on like some pop cone!  Just sayin'!

source

So I've sheltered myself back in and still refuse to speak out.  I did say something other day, because honestly I felt deeply insulted and offended by the lack of invitation lately.  It's like no one wants me around anyway.  Then when I try and prove my point it's just blown off, I then feel like I'm just there because I made a stink about it. Like deep down they don't want me there, it was just an invitation out of .... what?  I don't know. I'm butt hurt about it and when it all boils down. I don't think there is much left to save anyway. Perhaps there never was.

Should I be sad?  I don't think I can, because honestly, I never see them just as I may never meet all of you. But you guys and gals are much better friends than those I live next door too. Just goes to show, what you find in the world. We aren't all wacked out messes who could care less about those they should love and or care about.  You Dingleberries are much better friends than most of those I've called friends for upwards of  ten years.  I think perhaps I've come to a crossroads in life and I must start weeding out those who just aren't a good fit for me anymore.

Getting old is weird.... Isn't it? This is my thoughts here lately, I blogged about them recently as well, some of you may remember.  If not, welcome to my messed up world.  

Hang in there! 

Breast Cancer Updaters....

Mama Monkey Butt has treatment today.  I have not heard from her.  I worry constantly that it is all bringing her down. It stresses me more than anything else.

Life is a hard place for me right now, too many thoughts. Most of which are bad.

Life is really real right now.

So dear Dingleberries, hang in there as things go through a rough patch with me and keep Mama Monkey Butt and her breast cancer battles in your thoughts and prayers. 

She needs all she can get all of the time.

<3 

Sadness,Darkness

I stumbled into the darkness.

Trips and falls consume me.

The lost and empty shell left of my soul.

You're not there,

no where by my side.

Her beauty blinds you.

Stole you away.

She laughs at my sadness,

gains her power from my tears.

The tears I'll never let you see.

That would make you better than me.

I can't find you better then me.

For you are dead to me.

You drank the life from me.

You left me in the dark here.

Lost and confused.

Stumbling with  tears,

those tears I cry for you

ARE NO MORE!

(photo taken here)