1st year,

So it was today, last year at 6:50 pm that my dear Mama MB passed away.... One of the saddest days in my 32 years of life.  Which is expected.  When you love some one as much as I loved her.  It's true, when I read a pin the other day that Mom is one of our first loves.  There are no words truer in this world.  I pray my children feel for me, if only a smidgen, the way I felt for Mama MB. The way I feel, the way I will always feel. She may be gone from this world. Gone from my sight and I can't "hear" her voice. She will live on forever, in my heart and memories. With each glance I catch in the mirror, through the eyes of my monkeys and from my family.

She left her mark on this world, that's for sure.  I can almost guarantee anyone who met her, surely could never forget her.

I sit back and think about it all the time, every day when I come down the hill and look up and see her house sitting up there. I know she's not there, my Dad is there and her pets are there.  It's a constant reminder though of how much I miss her.

This day last year, I had no idea how sick she was.  Papa MB didn't call us and let us know. I remember reading his text, that she wasn't' doing well at all.  I went down the hill, up the hill and to her house...

It was then it hit.  She passed that night ....

I miss her so much.  It's been a year. I still feel like she's going to come home from some vacation or that she won't be mad at me tomorrow and I can call and talk to her, lol. Not that I've any idea what she would be mad at me for.

Wish she was here to meet her first grand son.

Monday Mash up: Episode 13

I logged in a while ago with intentions of doing some reading, some comments and perhaps get a little MB post on.  A few hours ago, I found the picture you see above.  My occasional Monday Mashup post.  Hey , it's Monday... again.  Glad I'm not seeing and hearing that stupid Wednesday camel, but who doesn't hate on a Monday?  

It was a nice break to stop by and read a few posts today, I miss my Dingleberries.  I'd say I always mean to log in and do some reading, post a little and then something happens. I get distracted at work or too occupied on facebook to really just dedicate the time my blog needs.  

It's not smelly in the land of MB at all lately.  I really gotta work on that.

I guess honestly I never gave much thought at how busy life is with two children, with a home and job and school age kid.  It makes no sense really, because since Pokey was a year old I've  had  a job. The same job as a matter of fact.  Only since little Monkey does it seem to be slightly overwhelming.  I don't understand.  Not one bit.  How can this be? 

Here we are, already in the month of November. My birthday is this month as is Thanksgiving and the anniversary of my Mama MB's death. I remember last year, like it was yesterday. I as so scared, selfishly, that she would pass on my birthday. I remember praying, please don't let her pass on my birthday.  I'd like to think I'd come to terms with her passing.  That it had been long enough for the bleeding to stop.  It's still bleeding. I come down our street, every day and say Dang I hadn't seen or talked to mom in forever .... oh yea, I remember.  It's still really fresh and still bull that she's gone.  It all starts with Pinktober and just spirals down from there. Now we're working on Thanksgiving plans.  Sometimes, I miss the biggest part of what I'm thankful for. I'm still thankful for so much, still thankful for Mama MB.  Even if she is gone, I'm thankful for what time I had her for.  

Things have been going well, other than being broke as sin and trying to catch up on bills.  We're doing good. Lil Monkey is a talker and just so precious. Those of you who are my friend on FB know just how adorable my little Monkeys are :)  

Life is a strange and interesting place most of the time.   

Thanks for always being here my Dingleberries. 

-Hang in there! 

Ahhh not again,

The news came in this morning... My aunt, that's my father's only sister, passed away this morning at around 12:15am...  

This is getting pretty frakin redonkulous if you ask me.. 

So in light of today's news. I will not be posting this weeks What I'm Loving.

Papa MB is really being put to the test with all the sudden awful that's happening in his life.  I just hope the old saying about bad things coming in threes rings true and this ends his loss.  

Please send prayers and thoughts into the air for Papa MB. 

Life sure does prove how unfair it really is lately.  

Found myself alone, again.

I find myself alone, going over and over the moments of her death..

What were her thoughts?  Was she able to have any?
What did it feel like?
What did she see?
How did she feel?
What were her thoughts?
Was it painful?

I shouldn't do this to myself, but it's so easy.

Is it wrong or selfish of me to wish I hadn't been there for that?  That somehow, like the preacher, I was able to miss out on those last moments.

Yea.... that seems selfish to me, but it hurts so much to think back on those moments.... Those months... That year of her battle...

Life isn't always fair, I know. .

But I can't seem to get past the pain sometimes... My pain, not hers.  Because I know her pain is over now.  She's the lucky one, I might add.

I miss my Mama MB.

Monday Mash-up: Episode 7

Good MONkeyDAY my dear Dingleberries..

I've found made a moment just now to draw my attention from facebook work and do a quick Monday Mashup post.  I thought to myself last night to drag the old lappy top out of the office and share the pics and posts I've been meaning to get around to. Whew, January is a helluva busy month and we're what ... about half way through so far?  Sheesh!!

How times flies...when you're having fun. Or whatever you call this I'm having!

Just a few things for today, because go ahead and check out my desk!

The things I should be doing right now! 

It's a Monday around here for sure, staying pretty busy with calls and people insist on getting on my nerves all day long with their broken down cars. Like they're the only people who break down or something?  Sheesh!  

• The owners are still out of town, apparently the town they're from doesn't do funerals on Sundays?  Perhaps this is a North Carolina thing? Any of you folks from NC know if this is in fact the case or are my bosses losing their minds?  So they've a funeral for today (Monday) at 2pm for the boss ladys Mom.  I swear,. as crazy as she makes me and for all the bad things I say about her. I shed a tear or two when I heard her Mom passed. It broke my heart, I guess because it's so fresh that my Mom has passed....
• Speaking of... I didn't/couldn't tell them Friday before they left that my Grandmother also passed away, I didn't want that to weigh on their thoughts as they were out of town on their passing.  One of of the other ladies at work lost her ex Father in Law Thursday night as well, he lives in FLA and wasn't having a funeral like the others, so I am unsure what she will do, if anything, with his  passing. I imagine she also didn't share her news with the bosses before they left. 
• Papa MB tells me he's broke, I'm broke, his brother and sister are also broke as well as their mother. There is no money set aside for her funeral and honestly, we've no idea what their options are. Papa MB has come down with some sort of sickness, flu perhaps. I'm staying away. I can't take chances of getting sick right now. With everything that's going on, they'd be burying me by the looks of it!  I can't believe all the loss the people around me are suffering. It's crazy!!!  This was all suppose to be done in 2012. Not so soon in the New Year.  
• So as I was saying, we're still waiting to see our options and how much money can be obtained for her funeral expense.  Looks as though they may be forced to cremate her remains due to lack of funds. I can't believe her family let it come down to this!  Makes me sad .....  The woman never liked me, but I can't help feel bad about the situation! 
• Shall we move on to something that won't make you want to shoot yourself in the face?!  Sounds like a fabulous idea to me. 

Some of you are well aware of my good friend Tim over at A Blast From the Past. His sister was diagnosed with cancer just last year.  He informed me the other day that her cancer is shrinking with treatment. This makes me so happy. He's a super awesome guy and his sister  is a fighter!  Hang in there Tim's Sis. You got this!!  

Mr. MB found this ecard thing the other night, it had me LOLing. I can't help but share it!  

• I've got to work again tonight.. . Ugh.. 
• But we're going in for the Dr appointment tomorrow and we should find out what we're having, baby monkey wise...  
• The weather was nice over the weekend, but I was working .I couldn't enjoy it as much as I'd liked to. The Mayans right have gotten something right though. Maybe the world is changing, we will have warmer weather year round?  I can hope, can't I? It's crappy and rainy today and from what the news people said this morning, sounds like  it could last all week..   Yay!  :/ 
• Ok Ok.. I have to get back to work.. Stay warm, cool or dry. Whichever it is.
  

Hang in there!

Ding Ding...

Round 3, 4 and 5 for the land of Monkey Butts..  4 is so minor in comparison to 3 and 4.

• The boss lady here at work, her Mother passed away yesterday ..... 

• Mr. MB's Mom called last night and their old dog isn't doing so well. He could very well be on his last stretch of life..

• This morning, shockingly, Papa MB sent over a text message informing me that his mother has passed away this morning ..

Please pray for Papa MB and our families in this another time of loss and saddness. I know how I felt losing my Mama MB, I can't begin to imagine what Papa MB is going through right now ...

What now...

One of the hardest things I'm facing right now is the lost feeling.  Everyday I grab my phone and I want to call her up.  She isn't there anymore though. What do  I do? Find someone new?  Start talking to the heavens when I'm driving?

Would people think me nuts?

I considered therapy, seriously considered it, last week.  The thought has faded a bit, still wondering if I should just give it a shot. 

I miss her, so much. 

Music For A Tuesday: Johnny Cash

Ya know my love for Johnny Cash, needless to say when I discovered Mama MB had Johnny Cash's version of You are My Sunshine on her list of to be played. I was more than a little happy.  They played Johnny Cash- You Are My Sunshine as they rolled Mama MB's casket from the church that day. 

Thought provoking

Warning... This post is of a religious nature, for those who don't approve, please come back tomorrow for something else!

 Some of you know I've been.... struggling... with religion this past year or so. Mama MB called upon God in her time of need, when she found out how sick she was.  She then found a church and reached out for guidance and support. With time I took to going with her and Papa MB. Figured it would be nice to spend a day doing something they enjoyed. I found it rewarding...

Mama MB got worse in worse in recent months leading up to her death. I rebelled and became very angry with God.  I quit going, not only because they weren't going anymore, but because I couldn't find it in myself to understand why this God was taking my Mama MB from me.  I was very angry.

Pastor said today, that God comes back and takes the dead from this place.  This earth. Does this mean they (the dead) are stuck here also until God comes back to take them from this place?

I want to believe, I'm trying so. I do believe... I think...  I keep telling myself she's in a better place.  I keep telling myself this.  Her pain and suffering is over, this much is true. That much I am glad for.  I'm glad she isn't suffering from her cancer anymore.  For that I am glad, but I'm just a bit confused as to why he said the dead will leave this place when God comes back. 

What does this mean?

She's not there

I keep hoping things will get easier, that the hole in my chest will magically heal itself. That Mama MB will be sitting on the couch with her coffee each time I walk through those doors.

Pokey and I brought Papa MB out today for the Christmas parade.  We also went to visit with Mama MB and stopped in by the Kroger.  Not a bad day I'd say, but there is still that empty feeling where ever I go.

- hanging in there

When I'm alone

Back to work today, it's a rough day for me... I'm alright, until I'm alone.  It's an hour commute each way to and from work and the trip out for lunch.. I just want to grab my cell phone and call her up. 

This sucks... 

RIP, Mama Monkey Butt

We laid Mama MB to rest on Wednesday, November 28th, 2012.  It was a very sad day and the day that confirmed it all. No pinching needed, this is not a dream. My Mama MB has left this world.  She is soaring now above us all in her heaven.  With her Dad and as Pokey says, our poor little deceased Rhino (the guinea pig).

I miss her so much.  She was a part of my everything.  For weeks now I've cried many a tear worrying over the "what ifs" those what ifs are confirmed and though I thought it would be harder, I thought I could run away from it all.

But I can't, for the sake of those that I love. I can't leave this place.  I just can't fathom the loss of losing everyone around me as well. For something so selfish as weakness. 

I miss my Mama MB. I miss her more than I've missed anything else in this world. I've lost my mind on many occasions and this loss is far greater.

I want to again, thank you all. With everything that is left of me.... For your kind words, for being here to read my words. To share with me your stories  of loss as well.  You've no idea how much you people mean to me and the times you've helped me through so far in this short lifetime of ours. 

Thank you... 

- still hanging in there