I find myself alone, going over and over the moments of her death..
What were her thoughts? Was she able to have any?
What did it feel like?
What did she see?
How did she feel?
What were her thoughts?
Was it painful?
I shouldn't do this to myself, but it's so easy.
Is it wrong or selfish of me to wish I hadn't been there for that? That somehow, like the preacher, I was able to miss out on those last moments.
Yea.... that seems selfish to me, but it hurts so much to think back on those moments.... Those months... That year of her battle...
Life isn't always fair, I know. .
But I can't seem to get past the pain sometimes... My pain, not hers. Because I know her pain is over now. She's the lucky one, I might add.
I miss my Mama MB.
Dear MB, I wish I could find the words to console you. To make you feel better.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could tell you the pain goes away, but I don't think it ever does. My dad passed away unexpectedly when I was a teenager; even though he's 25 years gone I still occasionally feel the stab of grief in my heart. The pain has dulled a little, but is still there after all this time. And when I do feel it, I try to think of how he would be pleased that his little girl is finally happy in her life.
I don't think you're being selfish, hon.
I do hope that you can find peace in your soul.
Hugs to you.
When you feel like stopping by, there's a little something for you over on my blog. No rush. :-)
Oh sweetie, that's not selfish, that's human. And I'd bet a million to one that your Mum wouldn't want you to feel guilty about how you feel. It sounds like she was an amazing person.
ReplyDeleteIt is going to hurt sweetheart. You miss your mum and that is okay.
ReplyDeleteIt is natural and all part of grieving to have those thoughts.
I am sure your Mama MB is with you in spirit, looking after you and your little family.
Big hugs sweet one
There are going to be times you feel like this Doria, know that friends and family are always stand behind you. That is what carries us to the next day.
ReplyDeleteI was with my sister at the hospice just before Dad died. I told her, let's get out of here before it happens." We weren't home for five minutes. I don't really know that the couple minutes made any difference, except symbolically. I guess the moral of the story is, no matter which way you do it, you wish you wouldn't have, and blame yourself for doing it. What we need to do is walk away from the moment and go on with what's ahead. Don't blame yourself, don't beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteI did the same Doria, and it's purely down to that never ending cycle of love, life and death. She's at peace now and yours will come back in it's own time, in it's own way. There's so many memories to cherish of the good times that eventually lessen the bad ones taking over. Hang in there, honey!
ReplyDeleteMy hope for you is that the pain will fade and be replaced with memories of all those joyful moments you shared with Mama MB.
ReplyDeleteLife truly is never fair, bless ya hon, sorry have not checked in for a while wanted to leave you with a hug xxx
ReplyDelete