Music For A Tuesday: Johnny Cash

Ya know my love for Johnny Cash, needless to say when I discovered Mama MB had Johnny Cash's version of You are My Sunshine on her list of to be played. I was more than a little happy.  They played Johnny Cash- You Are My Sunshine as they rolled Mama MB's casket from the church that day. 

Thought provoking

Warning... This post is of a religious nature, for those who don't approve, please come back tomorrow for something else!

 Some of you know I've been.... struggling... with religion this past year or so. Mama MB called upon God in her time of need, when she found out how sick she was.  She then found a church and reached out for guidance and support. With time I took to going with her and Papa MB. Figured it would be nice to spend a day doing something they enjoyed. I found it rewarding...

Mama MB got worse in worse in recent months leading up to her death. I rebelled and became very angry with God.  I quit going, not only because they weren't going anymore, but because I couldn't find it in myself to understand why this God was taking my Mama MB from me.  I was very angry.

Pastor said today, that God comes back and takes the dead from this place.  This earth. Does this mean they (the dead) are stuck here also until God comes back to take them from this place?

I want to believe, I'm trying so. I do believe... I think...  I keep telling myself she's in a better place.  I keep telling myself this.  Her pain and suffering is over, this much is true. That much I am glad for.  I'm glad she isn't suffering from her cancer anymore.  For that I am glad, but I'm just a bit confused as to why he said the dead will leave this place when God comes back. 

What does this mean?

She's not there

I keep hoping things will get easier, that the hole in my chest will magically heal itself. That Mama MB will be sitting on the couch with her coffee each time I walk through those doors.

Pokey and I brought Papa MB out today for the Christmas parade.  We also went to visit with Mama MB and stopped in by the Kroger.  Not a bad day I'd say, but there is still that empty feeling where ever I go.

- hanging in there

When I'm alone

Back to work today, it's a rough day for me... I'm alright, until I'm alone.  It's an hour commute each way to and from work and the trip out for lunch.. I just want to grab my cell phone and call her up. 

This sucks... 

RIP, Mama Monkey Butt

We laid Mama MB to rest on Wednesday, November 28th, 2012.  It was a very sad day and the day that confirmed it all. No pinching needed, this is not a dream. My Mama MB has left this world.  She is soaring now above us all in her heaven.  With her Dad and as Pokey says, our poor little deceased Rhino (the guinea pig).

I miss her so much.  She was a part of my everything.  For weeks now I've cried many a tear worrying over the "what ifs" those what ifs are confirmed and though I thought it would be harder, I thought I could run away from it all.

But I can't, for the sake of those that I love. I can't leave this place.  I just can't fathom the loss of losing everyone around me as well. For something so selfish as weakness. 

I miss my Mama MB. I miss her more than I've missed anything else in this world. I've lost my mind on many occasions and this loss is far greater.

I want to again, thank you all. With everything that is left of me.... For your kind words, for being here to read my words. To share with me your stories  of loss as well.  You've no idea how much you people mean to me and the times you've helped me through so far in this short lifetime of ours. 

Thank you... 

- still hanging in there

Still awake....

Mama MB looked so pretty tonight, the flowers were beautiful and her dress Papa MB picked was quite stunning on her as well. A beautiful white casket and a place full of friends and family, we are so blessed. 

I've so many thoughts.. So many memories.. I'm attempting to hold my tongue for now. While I'm still a  mess, I don't want to make it ... bad. 

Thank you all. I've a network of friends and family, I love you all. I wish you were all here, wish you could have known Mama MB like we did, I do my best to tell you all how awesome she is. 

Her funeral is tomorrow....  It's going to be harder than today I think..

Good news on Day 217, 2012

Thursday, August 9th

Happy Thursday Dingleberries, everyone catch today's cute little monkey 'butt'  Thursday?  I thought he was a cutie and many thankies to Lizard Happy for sharing him recently so I could borrow it as well :)  I'm still overwhelmed with pictures coming in my email of monkeys.  I love it!!

So as I said, I've some good news tonight. Buuuut, before I tell you that, let me show/tell you something that makes me sick!!

So this is money.. WE all know about that stuff.  Root of all evil, green and papery with ink and all. I gots some of it today.  See these two bills here, summing up to what, two hundred smackers?  I pulled these out when I arrived at daycare today.  Sadly, I didn't get much change back from these! I'm terrified at the thought of the day my child will be old enough to stay home by herself, but in regards to the money part of it. I'm willing to give it a shot, when she's oh twenty five or so.   Anyone else ever feel like they spend all their money on childcare?  Ugh!!

So let's move on, to the good news, because I know some of you can't wait!! I posted earlier about being impatient, check it out HERE, if you haven't already.... I will wait...

Mom's Cancer Update,

Ya read me stressing what news they might have today.   what they might say about the recent CTscans.  It makes me sick to think about and selfishly I never once thought how Mama Monkey Butt might think.  They told her today that the brain cancer has dried up or is asleep.  Let me just say I've never been so happy in my life, I've not heard any news as good as that, EVER!  I am overflowing with happy and love and just can't wait to see my Mom so that I can hug her like I never hugged her before. 

We cried a little today on the phone, when I told her how good of news that was.  I think it was a little cry of relief, because honestly, and I can't speak for anyone but myself, that was the biggest relief I've had all year. I know we still have a ways to go, but this shit ain't over!

Mama Monkey Butt told me she was scared they were going to tell her bad news and that she had such and such time left. 

I can't imagine how that must have felt, the relief she must have felt when he told her something good.  She said she didn't think she was going to make it.  I can't bear the thought of that.

I love my Mama Monkey Butt and so do a lot of you, a lot of you also love me and mine.  Let me just extend a big thank you, a big virtual hug and thanks again for all he well wishings and prayer. 

I love you my big Internet family!!!



We're Hanging in there!

Oh the waiting. ...

The suspense is killing me.  Mama Monkey Butt is back to her routine, Thursdays at the chemo clinic. Can I call it that?

I attempted to call my grandma aka Granny because she takes her to her appointments and is responsible for spilling the beans as to what, if anything, the Dr tells Mama Monkey Butt.Seems she (Mama MB) can't be trusted to spread the word! Bless her heart it's just in one ear and out the other as of lately.

So I'm asking again, because I don't know what's been said or not, but pray for good news from the Doctors this morning, regarding Mama Monkey Butt's CTscans!

Day 214, 2012

Monday, August 6th

Happy Monday Dingleberries.  Most of you saw my goof on posting my Tuesday's Music today.  Arg!  I will run again tomorrow, so don't get confused. I didn't want to delete it and start over, so there ya go. I fudged it up this week.  A first I know, but we're all human from time to time. 

It was a nerve wrecking kind of day today.  With Pokey and her first day of school.  My ability to take a perfectly normal situation like my child getting on the bus in the afternoon and riding over to her daycare and making it out like an end of the world type thing.  Well, potentially anyway.  Things went well, I went to the school around lunch to confirm she would be getting on the correct bus and called the daycare to make sure she made it. I only called once, well maybe twice!  Just glad things went well.

My big 3rd grader

I'm posta be reading Abraham Lincoln vampire Hunter. I'm not reading, I'm blogging. I'm not even reading blogs, though I did read a few today.  Will do better tomorrow!!

Mama Monkey Butt went in today for CTscans on her brain again. I told you all that she was done with her radiation a couple of weeks ago.  Now she is completely bald and hating it.  With chemo her hair didn't fall out completely. It's gone now.  It looks fine. She won't agree, but whatever!

Please God lets pray that the radiation got rid of the cancer in her brain.  Things seem to get back to normal and she's acting like Mama Monkey Butt and then something clicks in my brain.  It's like I remember everything that's going on, everything that has happened. I feel like a selfish brat because I don't want her to go through this, I don't want her to be sick, I don't want her to have cancer.  I want it to all go away and then I remember her words "It's killing me"  and I'm a mess all over again.  I wish she would keep fighting, I know that she is. She's strong, she's amazing, She's my Mama Monkey Butt and I wouldn't want anyone else.  No one could have done, is doing, and better job at raising good kids, because that's what she did. 

But I don't want Mama Monkey Butt to have cancer, I don't want her to be sick. I want her God, your God, my God, to make it all go away.  Show this woman some mercy and take it all away.  That's what I want, but I'm so scared.  I don't know what to do, what to say, or what to think. 

I'm done and I'm sorry but I guess I just had to get that out.  Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far! 

Hang in there!

(I guess that's all we can do huh?)

Damn these Mondays...

source

I had a rough start to this morning. I don't know why, just life and a bump in the road I assume.  It started great with Pokey though. It really did, she wasn't pissy or mean, no yelling, kicking or spitting. A wonderful little happy monkey this morning. I was really genuinely happy.

On the way to work I started thinking, I've been doing that some here lately.  Time to blow the dust off the old brain I guess. Get some things to moving, because it's been a while.   Since I've really thought about anything.

Mama Monkey Butt said the cancer was/is killing her. She said this to me on Saturday and though I wasn't strong enough to hold back the tears. To not let her see me cry, because she doesn't need that. She needs me to be strong, she doesn't need to worry about me falling apart. I can't fall apart, I'm her inspiration to keep on pushing.  Because no matter what she thinks, or wants to think.  She can beat this.  I think.  I know it's going to take more than  just me saying so though.  She has to believe it as well.  I think I hope she knows she can beat this.  Defy her God and all of science and take this bitch down like no one's business!  It can and will happen.

source

So I've done a lot of soul searching over the weekend and it pains me to see and realize just how far my friends and I have grown apart. Though were we ever really that close to begin with?  As some of you know, I started blogging, because I'd walked into a room of friends who were talking about me. (READ MORE HERE) Talking together about some things I'd been saying to them. Now I've never confronted them and don't ever intend on doing so, because it is what it is. I've done the same thing, far worse I'm sure.  I don't know what exactly was said before I walked into the room, but none of that matters. It just means I started talking to all of you about some of my problems instead of sharing them with my friends. It really is a move to protect myself really, to protect me from those who can hurt me. As you all know, I most likely will never walk into a room full of you guys and gals talking smack about the Monkey Butt!  Right?  Ya know I fling poo, so it would be on like some pop cone!  Just sayin'!

source

So I've sheltered myself back in and still refuse to speak out.  I did say something other day, because honestly I felt deeply insulted and offended by the lack of invitation lately.  It's like no one wants me around anyway.  Then when I try and prove my point it's just blown off, I then feel like I'm just there because I made a stink about it. Like deep down they don't want me there, it was just an invitation out of .... what?  I don't know. I'm butt hurt about it and when it all boils down. I don't think there is much left to save anyway. Perhaps there never was.

Should I be sad?  I don't think I can, because honestly, I never see them just as I may never meet all of you. But you guys and gals are much better friends than those I live next door too. Just goes to show, what you find in the world. We aren't all wacked out messes who could care less about those they should love and or care about.  You Dingleberries are much better friends than most of those I've called friends for upwards of  ten years.  I think perhaps I've come to a crossroads in life and I must start weeding out those who just aren't a good fit for me anymore.

Getting old is weird.... Isn't it? This is my thoughts here lately, I blogged about them recently as well, some of you may remember.  If not, welcome to my messed up world.  

Hang in there! 

Cancer Sucks,

Mama Monkey Butts cancer has spread, again.  They admitted her into the hospital yesterday, it's in her brain. The swelling has gone down and she's more like herself, radiation began today. 

Physical Therapy and High Hopes!

Hey Hey Hey my Dear Dingleberries!  There's no late breaking news or anything like that. No progress or fumbles to report.  Mama Monkey Butt is in the makings of healing from her mastectomy!  No real complaints from her either. I guess, in her case, it went pretty well.. Considering!

So this week, I've more words directly from Mama Monkey Butt's fingers. This she posted on Facebook this week and I was just dying to share the news with you awesome folks!!

"Had 1st physical therapy today, I am sore, but it went great, stretched silly and stretched and stretched. Dr. Does it really matter, put off chemo til next week, he said he wants to give me one more week to heal up, just because Dr. I'm not telling still had the tube in me, She removed it today, Every visit at each office went Great, Each doctor was completely satisfied with the results, the surgeon released me today, asked me to come back in 6 months, just for check up. chemo will start back next Thursday as well as Physical Therapy, every Thursday. Jesus Loves Me, I Love You All." 

 

So there ya have it, straight from Mama Monkey Butts mouth.  She's fighting like a champ with no thoughts of giving up, throwing in the towel or calling it quits. It makes me sad she has to deal with this shit, on top of everything else this life has thrown her. But lucky for her and all of us, we're in this together.  This cancer is going down.  Frak you cancer, Frak you and your Fraking evilness!!! Grrr!!!

Hang in there!

Good News from Mama,

 

"My surgeon called me today, She said she got the complete breast cancer with surgery. She said all the tissue around what she took was cancer free, that is what told her she got all of it. She said she took 11 lymph nodes from under my arm, only 1 tested positive for cancer, so maybe this is a good sign, I feel good about it, I wanted You all to know- love you"  -Mama Monkey Butt

Words from Mama Monkey Butt :)  We're feeling good to have gotten some good news. Thank you everyone who said a prayer or sent a good vibe.  Thank you all for all the kind words.  Here's to hoping the Dr's will be full of good news in days to come. Chemo begins again in April. 

Not for the weak hearted (GRAPHIC PHOTOS)

Mama Monkey Butt had an awesome surgery experience, or so I'd say. She may say differently, but I seriously doubt that. She went home Saturday, only one day later. Not even a full day I'm sure.  She felt pretty good, pain wasn't too awful. Sunday we were visiting for a bit and she seemed like she felt pretty good then as well.  For that we are sooooo glad.  She's such a fighter, so strong and so amazing. I'm floored at the bravery of this woman.  I will stop with my boring words though and share something she posted on facebook today. Mind you this isn't  a self portrait of Mama Monkey Butt, but take my word for it, her battle wounds look pretty much just like that of the beautiful woman in this photo!!!  

THIS IS NOT FOR THE WEAK AT STOMACH!!!

It's amazing what we go through at times.... 

"Peoples, I am alive, have went through the breast removal, went like a breeze! Hurray! But, let the truth be told, I am one breast less, that is not going to be pretty although I think I can manage that part. At least now, once I heal from this surgery, I can put a bra on, and Stuff it, just like us girls did when we were ten and wanted to look older, ha ha. At least then I can look normal again, but I want people to actually see what a person really looks like when this happens, this picture isn’t me, I don’t even have my tape stitches off yet, but I do have these hoses, that's scary. Something sucking fluid out of my body, and I see that bloody red streak from left to right, where the surgeon put my skin together. But it's not fun to look down my body and see such a flat depressed part of my body, where once before I was attacked by a monster, I was personally satisfied with, I'm going to miss this piece of my body, today I wondered where my breast was, I wish this had not of happened, but more than anything right now, I wasn’t the young ladies of this world to hear these words coming from a common person, and not some professional's mouth. Please don't hate me for posting this, and I'm going to block Carlin sis, I don't want her seeing such things, but I do want it seen. I Love You All."
-Mama Monkey Butt

The monster has been removed,

Mama Monkey Butt  had her left breast removed today.  That "monster" is gone.  They removed a plum size mass of nodes under her arm area.  Those are gone.  There are more nodes infected as well as her lung.  The battle isn't over.

Mama Monkey Butt is on a road of recovery right now, but before we know it she will back in the chemo chair again and last we heard from her Dr she would have chemo every week for 3 weeks with a week off and then 3 more weeks before a scan.

The chemo has to work this time, it just has to!