Thursday, November 8, 2012

Selfish me ...

The transport company delivered Mama MB home yesterday. Her pain seemed to be pretty unbearable at times. They've made  sure to provide her with any and all medications for pain that you can think of.  It's insanity.  Hospice is really doing a lot for her though, bringing a new and much better chair. The bed and the other things. Very nice indeed.

It's time to get  her as comfortable as possible, for what time she has left?  Or... whatever..

All this time, all these days. I'd been beating myself up, crying to myself, coming here to complain.  Woe is me because my Mama MB is probably going to die.  I don't want to lose hope, I don't want to give up the fight. Not until her heart stops...

But it all seems so hopeless.

Oh selfish me, because all my fear and sadness I've never, until today..... Stopped to think what Mama MB's mother, brothers and sisters are feeling. How hard this must be on them. How hard this is on everyone.  I want to shut down and suck it all up and handle my feelings in the best way I can for me, but is that the wrong way to do it? For the sake of the family?


  1. You have your pain, don't shut that out. As long as you don't forget that everyone else has their pain that they are dealing with, you are not selfish. This is what family is for. When my Granddad was put on comfort care, we were all there for each other. We cried and laughed at memories. It was one of the hardest times I went through emotionally, but I had my family there and they were going through the same thing. Each person has their own memories and life story with Mama MB. Share those memories and lean on each other. I'm sorry you are going through this. Sending bloggy hugs your way.

  2. J.Day said it so well. Sharing memories of Mama MB with your aunts, uncles and other family is a beautiful way to support each other. I'll bet that there are some wonderful stories about Mama MB that you've yet to hear! :)


  3. Everyone has their own personal battle and ways of dealing with this pain, it's the family clinging together that will win the war. Take care of yourself, others will do the same. If others don't like the way you're taking this, oh well!

  4. Venting is what we're here for. Hvae at it. That way you can give your family what they need.

  5. Oh, I'm so sorry. Don't worry about taking care of the other family members, and it isn't selfish that you are grieving losing your mother! You can all support one another as much as possible, but you also have a right to focus on your own grief.

    I lost my mom to a terminal disease when she was in her 50's. It's unfair and it's excruciating. You will get through it, of course, but it's not an easy road, and I'm sorry you are having to go through it. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me at

  6. I haven't been through an experience as unthinkable as the one you and your family are going through, but I believe things happen for a reason even if we don't know what that reason is. I hope MMB's pain can be controlled so she can have some peace, and I wish peace for you as well.

  7. This is something I know a little bit about. The truth is you need to do whatever it is that helps you get through it. Be strong when you can be but don't feel like you have to be the strong one. Even the strong ones break now and then and if you're not naturally that person, the break is going to be worse.

    Be there for your family but be there for yourself as well.

    I wish with all my heart that I neither had this advice to give nor anyone that needed it. Sometimes life sucks.

  8. Yes my friend, there is pain everywhere I look and even "me" on the 29th I was coming home from working an hour away and when I got about 5 miles from home I dozed off and crossed the other lane and went off into the deep ditch at full speed totaling my car but praise God I was not hurt except for a seat belt place on my left shoulder. I went through with my mom exactly what you are going through and I am so sorry but now keeping her comfortable is the important thing to do. Hang in there my sweet friend. We are here for you always.

  9. Taking on guilt for how other family members are feeling will tire you all the more. I had the family sure, but it was my own little nest's members that I gave priority to. We do all cope in our way. You vent away, girl. Ain't nothing wrong in that!

  10. Sometimes it is hard to think about the pain others are suffering when our own pain seems so raw and exposed....


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