So how were you today my Dingleberries? Another slow day at work for me. I did manage to muster the guts to tell the boss man that
- A) Mama MB isn't doing well. She's really sick, but we all know that. Don't we?
- B) That I'm expecting a little "sea monkey".
In regards to Mama MB. She's not doing well, as I've said. She looks like a skeleton at this point, her hands and legs are so bony. She has....bumps... on her body. From what I gather it's from the cancer. No one has said really.
I told you she has cancer all over now? Her lungs, liver, back, bones and they broke the news that it's back in her brain as well.... There is no hope.
I hoped once, I hoped since she came home. Since they stuck her in the hospital. I hoped they would get her pain under control. That maybe she would eat and drink again. That she would have a little bit of life left..
She's got a little bit left, just not the kind I dreamt of.
I don't want bum you guys out, this isn't what I wanted to post on my blog. I read a few blogs, cancer blogs. I've started in the last year or so. Thought it would help me understand things better. They did some of that, they also just made me feel worse. I don't want to make you all feel that way. This is posta be a happy place... It was, once.
I'm hanging on to the happy memories. I'm watching her...die... but I'm not watching, because all I can picture is her smiling face. Sitting there chatting with me.
I never thought, never wanted to think.... I bet she will be happy to be...dead. Sometimes I wonder, does she think that now. Do I think that at times?
I want my Mama MB back. I want her well and happy. She is neither.
It's hard!
I got my hair cut last night, just after all the family drama started. It's amazing how easy it is to get dragged into the middle of something. My family is losing their strength at this time. Some of us are breaking down and sadly they're expressing it the wrong way! Forgetting the importance of the time. Mama MB wanted to be home and we intend on leaving her there. There is no reason to transport her to the hospital, swell her up with fluids again, fill her with pain meds. it's not going to be the place for her. Home is the place for her now, home is where she wanted to be.
Mr MB just couldn't keep it to himself, so Papa MB caught wind of the whole thing. He was saying he was sorry for them and that they called me the way they did. I could have choked him for spilling the beans. Papa MB has enough on him without hearing about those things!!
Don't you think?
Well.... I still haven't seen the new Twilight Breaking Dawn pt 2. I'm hoping to go tomorrow, pending someone can watch Pokey. Shall see! I hope someone can, I realllly want to go.
My girl makes me smile :)
Check out my bored attempt of artwork today at work...
I'm tired... Gotta finish this episode!
Will post more tomorrow!!
Hang in there!
Stay strong, remember the good times. I am convinced that there's something more (don't know exactly what-I don't think it involves harps and clouds, though).
ReplyDeleteYou'll catch up again.
I don't know what I think about the "where you go when you die" or what it might be like. I'm keeping myself together, feels like I'm locking it all down. It's how I roll. Looking back at all the moments of happy and good times. Thanks Al!
Delete(((((Doria))))) Sounds like you are handling this the way any of us would be dealing with this situation. Dealing with great memories at such a tough time is what will carry you through. I know it's hard gurl but you are on the right path, just follow that path one step at a time. Your friends and family are right here with you, everyone deals with these things in different ways, some don't know how to deal with it, they may just be trying to help and got it wrong, doesn't mean they don't care about you. My prayers for you and yours continue, may Mama find the peace and rest she deserves. I know all to well how the holidays play into these events, probably why I get depressed during the holidays. Keep you chin up Kid~!
ReplyDeleteIt's weird handling all of this, I always thought I would have so much more trouble with it. BUt I guess I always thought people would die just suddenly, never know there was any kind of prolonging to it. Naive I know, but it is what it is. It's working to harden my core a bit so that I'm not the same blubbering mess I was weeks ago.. Sucks how that works!! Thank you Tim you're a good friend and have been here for me for son long... Thanks for that!! :))
DeleteIt seems that in every family, there is someone- generally in a non-responsible position- unhappy about how the way things are done in your situation. My one sister hated our doctor for years because of how mom died. It was 1976, Leukemia was not survived then. I guess it's a way to deal with the grief. Mine was to not react at all until I saw her best friend breaking down at the service. I didn't cry again until long after dad passed 8 years later.
ReplyDeleteYou are there, you know what is needed. They don't like it, tough. Your responsibility is to mom, not them.
And we are all here for you, whatever you need to say. It will be a happy place again, I promise.
Thanks CW. I'm sorry to read you went through a situation like this. It's so hard I know! You're right there are some who think they're losing more. I think Mama MB is the one losing the most. We're losing one person, she's losing all of us. It breaks my heart, but it does everyone else as well. I'm trying to stay strong and respect how others are feeling.
DeleteTry and focus on the entirety of your mother's life, many years of good times spent with laughter and joy. When it's all said and done these final months of pain and sorrow are only a small part of MMB's life. I say this even though I know how much you are suffering, and I wish I had words to make your pain go away.
ReplyDeleteI know... This all started only months ago. The pain that is and it's just gone down hill since then, I hope she doesn't have to deal with the pain much longer. Papa MB seems to have gotten some control over it. So that's a plus! I will always remember the good times, the 31 years ( and counting) of life I was able to spend with her ! Thanks Stephen!
DeleteIt's painful kiddo. I lost my mum to (eventual) all-over cancer too and gone through similar stuff at stages. On the day of my mum's funeral, I found out I was pregnant with PrettyBoy - against the odds! Looking at that picture of Pokey put a huge smile on my face. You'd be amazed at how much strength and love from your own kiddylings help you focus and pulls you through. My daily thoughts are with you, Doria....♥
ReplyDeleteThank you Helena, I'm sad that you had to go through this as well. It's not simple task and it's trying on ones heart. I hope my little soon to be baby MB doesn't soak up too much of Mommies stresses!!
DeleteHappY HappY BiRthDaY DoriA~!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Tim! :)
DeleteBe strong Pretty lady and try to keep focussing on the positives in your world.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs
(and I love your little doodle)
Thank you Mynx, I'm doing my best! Gots my eyes open for the positive!
Delete