When I'm alone

Back to work today, it's a rough day for me... I'm alright, until I'm alone.  It's an hour commute each way to and from work and the trip out for lunch.. I just want to grab my cell phone and call her up. 

This sucks... 

RIP, Mama Monkey Butt

We laid Mama MB to rest on Wednesday, November 28th, 2012.  It was a very sad day and the day that confirmed it all. No pinching needed, this is not a dream. My Mama MB has left this world.  She is soaring now above us all in her heaven.  With her Dad and as Pokey says, our poor little deceased Rhino (the guinea pig).

I miss her so much.  She was a part of my everything.  For weeks now I've cried many a tear worrying over the "what ifs" those what ifs are confirmed and though I thought it would be harder, I thought I could run away from it all.

But I can't, for the sake of those that I love. I can't leave this place.  I just can't fathom the loss of losing everyone around me as well. For something so selfish as weakness. 

I miss my Mama MB. I miss her more than I've missed anything else in this world. I've lost my mind on many occasions and this loss is far greater.

I want to again, thank you all. With everything that is left of me.... For your kind words, for being here to read my words. To share with me your stories  of loss as well.  You've no idea how much you people mean to me and the times you've helped me through so far in this short lifetime of ours. 

Thank you... 

- still hanging in there

Still awake....

Mama MB looked so pretty tonight, the flowers were beautiful and her dress Papa MB picked was quite stunning on her as well. A beautiful white casket and a place full of friends and family, we are so blessed. 

I've so many thoughts.. So many memories.. I'm attempting to hold my tongue for now. While I'm still a  mess, I don't want to make it ... bad. 

Thank you all. I've a network of friends and family, I love you all. I wish you were all here, wish you could have known Mama MB like we did, I do my best to tell you all how awesome she is. 

Her funeral is tomorrow....  It's going to be harder than today I think..

Damn....

Mama MB lost her fight with breast cancer tonight.  It's a sad day and she will be missed. Thank you all for always being here to listen to me.  Love my Dinglberries and I know she always appreciated your kind words!!

Another Mashed up Monday

Happy Monday Dingleberries!  We're back at work this morning, waking up with a head ache and wanting to puke all over anything that stepped in my path this morning.  We're lucky to have made it in at all.

Pokey has decided she also doesn't approve of the 6am alarm clock. I think we're on the same page right now. Waking up that early realllly sucks and it's cold outside. I think I will stick with carting her to school myself. Means more sleep for my lazy arse, her's too. Also means we don't have to wait in the cold car for the bus lady to arrive. It's like a win win.

So this shall be a sort of Monday Mash Up kind of post for you all today.  Thanks for stopping by for real, so sorry for my slackness lately. With the holidays and birthday and my being so very broke lately. It's just a depressing time for me right now. Still looking for a way to buy everything my darling Pokey has on her list for Christmas this year. The lack of money this time of year is the most depressing part and it never fails!  Always broke. There has to be a better way!

33 hunnnnnndred dollars for the diamond version of this ring.  Only 220 for a topaz version.  Isn't it sooo pretty!  Love it!  Maybe they will finance my broke ass?  lmao!! 

Mr. MB's mom picked me up this pretty necklace for my birthday. I'm wearing it now, it's been a long while since I've had  a necklace. The last few I had came from Mama MB.  I still have pieces of them, but my darling Pokey managed to rip them right off my neck when she was little. Kids are good at that aren't they? 

I'm officially caught up on The Walking Dead. Or at least  I think I am.  I'm on edge wanting to know where they are going with it. This is why I hate being caught up, then I've nothing new to go home to.  Kinda sucks from time to time.  The mid season finale is coming up soon as well.  Why do they do that anyway? Mid season finale.  That's silly!  How dare they make us wait like that?!!?!  So far it's good though, I'm surprised at who is there and who isn't and still crushing on Darrell. He's such a hottie!

So I'm sure most of you noticed last week I totally bombed my postings.  That means I didn't get them posted. I think I got Friday and what Tuesday? Which are OK, but I missed out on the Monkey Butt Thursday and What I'm Loving Wednesday  which honestly I don't think I've finished in a couple of weeks. Pretty epic fails there on my part.  I've gotta do better. You all know my excuses though and sometimes they really are valid ones!


Mama MB made it through Thanksgiving, she's still Hanging in there!  I think she's getting some bed sores and hoping Papa MB doesn't forget to mention it to the nurse. Perhaps they can offer a bit of advice for us in the matter. Still no foods for her, she's drinking water....sometimes.  We're down to just the liquid morphine right now. She hasn't taken much of anything else, that I'm aware of.  So if it's working, I guess that's what we can be thankful for. She's such a fighter. Sometimes I wonder what she's hanging on to. What's keeping her going. Ya know?  If it were me, I'd given up a long long time ago I'm afraid.  It's hard!  Other than you fine Dingleberries, I've not many people to talk to, not and actually get any support from.

So I think there were a few more things  I was going to bore blog about today... Sadly they're lost to me right now. For some reason I just can pull them from my memory. I think perhaps it has something to do with how random this post has become.  That's OK though, that's what Monday's are for. Right?

Hang  in there!

Friday's Fabulous Photo: Pet Shaming

Music For A Tuesday: Rehab

Happy Tuesday Dingleberries,

That extra sleep on Sunday really did a good thing for this Monkey Butt. I'm feeling, better. Didn't want to get up this morning, but that's expected. It's work... Ya know work isn't always the greatest thing one can do during the week. Wishing I was one of those lucky ones who had the week off, with pay?  Is that asking too much?  Well it would be here!  They don't like paying us most weeks.  Selfish bastards!

So it has taken me all day to decide what I will share for my musical Tuesday.  Of course I've decided to go with one of my favorite bands!

Rehab, this song is called Waho by the Hoti and the way they've put it up there looks like a Waffle House song. Perhaps there is a Waffle House located next to the hotel they're talking about.  I am not sure, I keep myself away from Northside and most of Atlanta actually... I get lost so easily ya know.  One way streets and dark alley ways, scare me.  Don't judge me!!

So Rehab came to Athens this past weekend, Saturday actually. The day before my birthday and well I'd hoped that I would be able to see them. I'd not committed though because well.. I'm prego and well something about a bar filled with ... smoke ... and booze. Sounds like a birth defect waiting to happen...

That was evil.

I do love drinking though and quit smoking a year ago this month. Look at that, I'd forgotten already!  It's been a whole year. Expect a post about that later too!!  ;)

OK OK, back to it... So like I was saying, I'd made no concrete plans to go see Rehab. I was secretly just hoping and wishing to go see the Breaking Dawn part 2. Which I did, so life was complete, for another year!

So don't tell the Rehab band that I bailed on them this year for something.... a little less tempting in the bad side!  Don't need any birth defects ya know?!

So till next time, Enjoy!

Hang in there!

Airmail Christmas-Join the Sleigh!

Spread the word my Dingleberrries and read the story!  It should be a lot of fun, so go ahead. SIGN UP!!


Would you like to take part in a Christmas card exchange with other bloggers and the twitterverse this year?

Thank you Sam for designing this for the Christmas card exchange!

Please read this post by clicking here. And if you want to spread Robin's message then please please take part.

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has sent in their addresses already. We're so thrilled with the people who have hopped on board and been so generous. Be rest assured if you haven't received the address of who your're sending a card out to yet - you will! Everyone will have someone by the beginning of December!

Last chance to enter is 28th November midnight GMT. Holly and Laura Anne will then match names and send you the address by the end of the month.

Make sure, if you can, to let twitter and your blogs know about this. The more the merrier!

Here's to wishing everyone a a 'Very Airmail Christmas' this year!

Monday's Fun Day's

Monday's Fun Day's? Sounds like an oxymoron to me with what looks like a few grammatical errors there as well. For those who get their panties wadded up, please forgive me for the errors!  I know not what I'm doing!   It made a cute jingle though.


Can you believe it's the week of Thanksgiving?  I'll get to my birthday stuff in a minute. This week is posta be the oh so hectic get a turkey together and spend lots of time with the family.  Well we've all been seeing a good bit of everyone as of lately. What with Mama MB being so sick and all.  Up until recently when there was a huge falling out with the family, they were there... DAILY. Now it's not so busy.  For that I am kind of glad, because Mama MB seems to be suffering a little less without all the  noise and people coming and going.  Gotta take the good with the bad I guess... .Or did I just use that in the wrong place?    Regardless, we're talking about Thanksgiving, all the while my aunt.  Her husband killed himself in 2007 and some time ago her mother in law moved in with her, after her husband passed away. She's like 87. Poor thing fell coming out of the house the other day.  Has not regained consciousness  They're saying they will take her off life support today. They didn't do it yesterday because it was her grandson's birthday. So sad, she was such a super sweet lady. Granny MB said she was crazy, but damn Granny..She's 87. Give the old woman a break!  I think we're entitled to be crazy when we hit our 80s! Don't you?  Terrible news right, she's not my family, but my family loved her;  I did too.

Anyone have an awesome plans for Thanksgiving this year?  Ours seem to be a bit scattered, unsure of what each day will bring at this point!

Its been a helluva year!!!

So my birthday... It was OK.  I was lucky enough to find a sitter for Pokey, Mr MB and I went down and met with one of my favorite ladies and we were able to watch the Twilight Breaking Dawn pt 2.  It was sooooo awesome.  Ya knew I would say that though. Really loved it and though I'm sad to see it come to an end, it ended pretty cool.  Sadly all things must come to an end... Right?  Was a bit sad that Mama MB wasn't able to tell me Happy Birthday. I think it really made it sink in when Mr MB told me Happy Birthday on the way home from the movies. It was after 12 and he said he was the first.  I chuckled and told him that was only because Mama MB couldn't tell me.  Being she doesn't talk anymore! That and she was probably zonked from all the morphine. She as always the first to tell me Happy Birthday!  I miss her so much and she hasn't even left this world yet

I said out loud that night... I wish she would get better, just so she could reflect back on all this shit that we're going through right now. So she could go damn, that was a ride.  Keep wishing right?  I've hoped all I can hope... What do I do now?

So here's to hoping the week picks up and things go smoothly.  Happy Monday Dingleberries!!

Hang in there!

Happy Friday

Hello and Happy Friday, again.  What's left of it anyway.   Just a quick post for the night, I'm home (finally) and watching some Walking Dead.  Trying to catch up on the season, I've watched the new episode and the one before it.  Now I'm watching episode one of this season. 

So how were you today my Dingleberries?  Another slow day at work for me.  I did manage to muster the guts to tell the boss man that

• A) Mama MB isn't doing well.  She's really sick, but we all know that. Don't we?
• B) That I'm expecting a little "sea monkey".

He was afraid of both. My boss man is quite funny when he wants to be! 

In regards to Mama MB. She's not doing well, as I've said.  She looks like a skeleton at this point, her hands and legs are so bony. She has....bumps... on her body.  From what I gather it's from the cancer. No one has said really.

I told you she has cancer all over now?  Her lungs, liver, back, bones and they broke the news that it's back in her brain as well.... There is no hope.

I hoped once, I hoped since she came home. Since they stuck her in the hospital. I hoped they would get her pain under control. That maybe she would eat and drink again. That she would have a little bit of life left..

She's got a little bit left, just not the kind I dreamt of.

I don't want bum you guys out, this isn't what I wanted to post on my blog. I read a few blogs, cancer blogs. I've started in the last year or so. Thought it would help me understand things better.  They did some of that, they also just made me feel worse.  I don't want to make you all feel that way. This is posta be a happy place... It was, once. 

I'm hanging on to the happy memories. I'm watching her...die... but I'm not watching, because all I can picture is her smiling face.  Sitting there chatting with me. 

I never thought, never wanted to think.... I bet she will be happy to be...dead.  Sometimes I wonder, does she think that now.  Do I think that at times? 

I want my Mama MB back. I want her well and happy.  She is neither.

It's hard!

 

 

I got my hair cut last night, just after all the family drama started. It's amazing how easy it is to get dragged into the middle of something.  My family is losing their strength at this time.  Some of us are breaking down and sadly they're expressing it the wrong way!  Forgetting the importance of the time.  Mama MB wanted to be home and we intend on leaving her there.  There is no reason to transport her to the hospital, swell her up with fluids again, fill her with pain meds. it's not going to be the place for her.  Home is the place for her now, home is where she wanted to be. 

 

Mr MB just couldn't keep it to himself, so Papa MB caught wind of the whole thing. He was saying he was sorry for them and that they called me the way they did. I could have choked him for spilling the beans. Papa MB has enough on him without hearing about those things!!

Don't you think? 

Well.... I still haven't seen the new Twilight Breaking Dawn pt 2.  I'm hoping to go tomorrow, pending someone can watch Pokey.   Shall see!  I hope someone can, I realllly want to go. 

My girl makes me smile :)

Check out my bored attempt of artwork today at work...

I'm tired... Gotta finish this episode! 

Will post more tomorrow!!

Hang in there!



Friday's Fabulous Photo

Stopping to smell the roses.

Not as fantastic as last year,

Happy Thursday Dingleberries.  I neglected to post What I was Loving on Wednesday. I felt bad about it, but later realized there wasn't really anything I was loving yesterday. Just one of those days I guess.

We're all entitled to one...or two.  Right?

So on Sunday I will be turning yet another year older... Exciting right?  Last year was an amazing  year. It really was and I think I took  for granted how amazing it really was.

• Mama MB wasn't sick.
• I was able to see the Twilight premier
• I was able to see Lykke Li in concert
  

I'm sure there are so many things I can and should be thankful for, but I just can't find it.   The only thing I've been looking forward to for the last year of my life has been the Breaking Dawn pt 2 premier TONIGHT!  Don't judge me.  I can't help it, it's lame and crappy and sappy. But I love it.  

Mr MB decided YESTERDAY that he couldn't go with me to see the movie tonight!! WHAT.THE.FUCK.   Obviously I'm still pissed about that.  Some good news last night, Granny MB bought me the soundtrack for the movie I'm dying to see. So there's something.

Ugh!  Just posting this is making my blood boil.

I've  missed posting though... I've gotta get myself back in the game.  I did manage to watch some Walking Dead though a few nights ago. Damn I love that show. Maybe since I'm not going to be able to go see the premier tonight I will catch up on some of that.

Sounds like a winner to me! 

Hang in there folks!

Music For A Tuesday: Over the Rainbow

 

Mama MB once told me how much she loved this version of this song, as I sit here and cry at the rest of what she told me that day... That one day she wantsd this song played at her funeral. 

I'm scared we may actually have to do just that.. I hope and pray it's not anytime soon but she doesn't seem to be getting any strength what so ever. Just seems to go up and down.  No good news to report in regards to Mama MB.  She's still hanging in there. Is that the best we can look forward to?

It's not fair... But I've said that before. My heart aches for what could be and dreads what might be! 

Friday's Fabulous Photo

s

Selfish me ...

The transport company delivered Mama MB home yesterday. Her pain seemed to be pretty unbearable at times. They've made  sure to provide her with any and all medications for pain that you can think of.  It's insanity.  Hospice is really doing a lot for her though, bringing a new and much better chair. The bed and the other things. Very nice indeed.

It's time to get  her as comfortable as possible, for what time she has left?  Or... whatever..

All this time, all these days. I'd been beating myself up, crying to myself, coming here to complain.  Woe is me because my Mama MB is probably going to die.  I don't want to lose hope, I don't want to give up the fight. Not until her heart stops...

But it all seems so hopeless.

Oh selfish me, because all my fear and sadness I've never, until today..... Stopped to think what Mama MB's mother, brothers and sisters are feeling. How hard this must be on them. How hard this is on everyone.  I want to shut down and suck it all up and handle my feelings in the best way I can for me, but is that the wrong way to do it? For the sake of the family?

What I'm Loving Wednesday

Good afternoon for those of us on the east coast of the US of A. This week I'm running my usual, What I'm Loving Wednesday. Linking up with the fabulous Jamie at This Kind of Love.  So be sure to check her out and sign up. Can't you tell it's a lot of fun? 

So here we go ... 

I'm Loving ..

Einstein Bros Bagels.  Made my hawngry belly  feel oh so much better this morning! 

I'm Loving ...

Music that takes me back in time, to a time that wasn't so serious.  A time that was happier and freer or all things!   Where were you in 1996? 

I'm Loving... 

TOMS!  They're adorable shoes. I do not own a pair as of yet, but you can bet your monkey butt they're on my Xmas list!

I'm Loving...

They're waiting on hospice to pick up Mama MB and carry her home.  I'm glad she will be back where she wants to be. For however long she has left.  Here's to hoping she makes a turn for the better and things brighten back up. 

I'm Loving...

I signed up for a wonderful new thing.  It's called A very Airmail Christmas. I'm reaching out and asking you all join as well. It's as simple as emailing someone your mailing address. You will later receive an email with someone's address and you share a Christmas card this year.  There is a story to it and I'm going to go ahead and share it here with you. In case you can't or choose not to make your way over to Making Memories.

This is going to be a very special post and probably one of the most important (and fun!) that will be blogged this year. Our only hope is that when you have finished reading this you will say 'yes' to taking part.

Would you like to take part in a Christmas card exchange with other bloggers and the twitterverse this year?

I think everyone loves Christmas in their own special way. We like to give out presents, cards, decorate our homes and listen to carols. However, there was one lady who I had the pleasure of caring for over the last month who won't get a chance to do any of that this Christmas. As cancer took her life away last week at the age of 41. I am sure many readers have heard stories like these, we're then affected but soon we get on with life. We all do it.

But when you get to know that person over a long period of time, build a rapport with their twins, ask her husband about his day, you inevitably become apart of their story. So I want to share the main reason why this Christmas card exchange came about, the story behind it and the wonderful patient who I will call 'Robin' that started this whole idea.

When I first met Robin the whole nursing team and I were overcome by how humble she was. She spent most of her days trying to get fit enough for chemotherapy, her husband doted on her and her twins would draw a picture for her everyday after school. However, Robin was growing weaker and it soon became clear that she would never get her chemo and would never reach her favourite time of year...Christmas. Over the last few weeks we had been having a few chats and conversations about a multitude of things. She was really prepared but also aware that making it to Christmas was not a possibility so she wrote letters and said her final goodbyes. However, a couple of days ago we got talking about Christmas and how people lose sense of it's 'true meaning'. I never got around to asking her if she was religious or what she believed in about Christmas. I just knew enough that Christmas was her favourite time of year. But it was one thing she said a couple of days before her passing that really struck me.

Robin said "if I had a Christmas wish now it would be really fun, Rebecca, if everyone in the world could just send anyone a Christmas card". I was really confused and when I mentioned that I do send out Christmas cards she corrected herself. She said "No what I mean is it would be fun to send a Christmas card to someone you have never met. We all send our friends and family cards but not to anyone else. It would be fun to spread good will to other people as well too."

Doesn't she have a point you think?

Robin passed away just how she wanted last week. It was extremely hard on everyone as we all thought the same. She left this world too soon, but the following day her twins and husband came to see us and thank us by giving us a Christmas card. We were all touched beyond belief and now I want to carry Robin's idea on to the rest of you.

If you're willing take part and extend your Christmas spirit onto other people then all you have to do is this.

1) Email your address (it can be your home, work or anywhere else address that you'd like a card posted to you at) to the designated email address: forrobin_christmas(at)hotmail.com. Please be rest assured your addresses will be held confidentially and not shared with anyone else apart from the person who will be sending you the card.

2) We will then email you the address of someone else that you can send a card to this year.

3) Once you have posted your card all you need to do is wait for the card that you will receive from another generous blogger.

The only rule is that if you're paired up with someone who lives abroad then you need to be willing to send the card to another country. We hope this will also be seen as a way of connecting with new people.

My blog pals Laura Anne and Holly are also joining me on the sleigh to help with this- thank you ladies!!! They will also be overseeing this whilst I am away in Australia from the 12th-30th November. We are the only 3 who have access to the email account that has been set up.

We really hope you take part in this Christmas card exchange. I told Robin's husband of the idea this week and his face just lit up, his words were "this would be Christmas music to her ears."

The more the merrier, so tell your blog friends and twitter (#airmailchristmas) about it! Let's wish everyone 'A Very Airmail' Christmas this year!!!

-ORIGINAL POST HERE-

I'm Loving...

This adorable Monkey! 

There ya have it folks, it's What I'm Loving Wednesday. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Have a fabulous hump day and don't forget . 

Hang in there!

Time to go home

Well I think I updated already that Mama MB was admitted into the hospital on Friday.  Bad dehydration, malnourished and they said she had a UTI. 

Saturday the men worked together and built her the oh so fabulous wheel chair ramp she needs. 

Sunday was a good day for us to visit Mama MB. 

Monday they held a meeting to discuss her options for the the time being:

• A) She can go into a hospice facility
• B) She can go home

Tuesday, they called Papa MB and he was informed that a decision must be made. Mama MB still has a voice, Mama MB wants to go home.  We decide together that she will have what she wants. We will do what we have to do to be sure she gets the care she needs, at home.

Papa MB says she may be coming home tomorrow.

Hospice provided her with a bed, a food tray, a shower chair and a thing for the potty.  Thank goodness for places like that to help those in need. Though I'm sure Medicare pays them well!

So there we are..

Still Hanging in there! 

Music For A Tuesday

Happy Tuesday Dingleberries..

This week I'm sharing some Green Day with you.  I'm sure many of you remember Green Day ( are still aware of). I myself haven't listened to them in quite some time, honestly I've no idea what if anything they've put out recently, but this one came around the land of Facebook and I know some (most ) of you know my sick obsession with the Twilight Saga and how super excited I am that this month, 10 DAYS!  It will be premiering. I'm sooo excited!

So when this video came through my feed, it's safe to say I couldn't click it fast enough

Check it out, if ya like Twilight I think you can appreciate this one. It's not the Green Day I remember from the 90's but it's not bad!

Enjoy!

-Hang in there!

365, 2012

Something happened, something went wrong. I've missed posting last sunday.  No idea how I pulled that one off, though I'd imagine it was some distraction or another!  Ya know I've been super busy and super stressed.  Right now I've a constant run back and forth and taking care of two homes... Did I mention we lost our little buddy Rhino (the guinea pig) this weekend. Very very sad! 

So without further from me, lets get this post started!  ;) 

Monday, October 22th
 

Tuesday, October 23rd

Wednesday, October 24th

Thursday, October 25th

Looks like I found a nice shot of the sky on this day, did'n't catch one of myself. Ooops!

Friday, October 26th

 

It was fall festival day at Pokey's school. I'd volunteered for bring a cake for the cake walk and also to help out. The cake was posta be orange. It was...orange-ish.  Another forgetful day for me!

Saturday, October 27th

Fun times at work and then dinner with friends later.  Pretty awesome day!

Sunday, October 28th

Mr. MB's Mom gave Pokey this funny hat, it's really quite strange, but you know I couldn't resist! 

Monday, October 29th

Tuesday, October 30th

Wednesday, October 31st

Happy Halloween!

 

Thursday, November 1st

And that's all I have. I missed a few days (again).  It's been a helluva time! 

Hang in there!

Something new

Even though the weekend has been tinted with bad things happening, the men in our family really pulled together this morning and built a lovely ramp for when Mama MB returns home. Sounds as though they aren't going to let her go until she is feeling better.  I'm not complaining though, I'd rather her be there getting some much needed help.  Help that we just can't seem to provide her. 

It's time for us to buckle down and find some extra help!

- Hang in there!

Grasping for hope ....

Mama MB had yet another rough day today.  There are a lot of those lately, unfortunately.  Things aren't going to well.

They admitted her tonight, she's dehydrated, malnourished and has a UTI.   Running a bit of fever and still in pain when the medicine wears off. 

My aunt was able to get her on the pill form of the marijuana, with hopes that it would help her appetite, but the pill just started yesterday!   So we shall see where that goes.

Seeking a second opinion before we turn to hospice, a professional opinion at the ER said the same thing that her Dr had said weeks ago, should consider hospice.  How does one accept the fact that the only thing left to do is get her comfortable and wait for "it". How do you come to terms with " there is nothing else that can  be done". 

Harder than I thought...   Here's to hoping she makes  a turn and the suffering ends. 


and our guinea pig is dying.. .It's going to be a helluva month...

Friday's Fabulous Photo