Surgery 1

 I don't know what to say or do at this point. I believe myself to be mentally exhausted and the anxiety is doing me no favors!  Today was surgery day.  The doctors put in the cath port and the peg tube aka feeding tube.  He's not currently unable to eat, but the oncologist didn't want to proceed without having one in place, just in case it becomes impossible for him to eat.  I get it, but it was quite the event and the pain though still fully there is just now beginning to ease up a little.  Dude it's been like 12 hours. I'm almost dead tired, and I didn't have to deal with half of what he dealt with today. 

Until next time, Ill keep hanging in there. I hope you'll do the same. 

-MB

On the wagon

 You guys this may be my craziest journey yet. By this I mean blogging journey.  I'm not quick minded and I don't think fast on my feet, I'm quite slow to be honest. But sometimes there is much to say and frankly I never know how to say it. So, what do I do?  I run to my keyboard and attempt to figure it out in writing.  

This post is titled "on the wagon". I'll give a little recap, so you know what I'm talking about.  When the pandemic dropped, I started feeling very anxious.  So, I picked up drinking. I'm quite ashamed to admit it, but it was and always has been a bit of a release for me. Unfortunately, I really took it a little far.  Nothing too horrible, no terrible mistakes were made or anything.  I just started drinking too much and too often.

So, for a while now, on several occasions I've convinced myself to stop it and each time I've ran out one day or another and grabbed up another bottle.  

To close the post, today was one of those days that I said I'm quitting.  I'm all out and I had a pretty good fit earlier, but I think I'll be ok.  I feel like with everything that is going on, I need to have my wits about myself.  Imagine the middle of the night, drunken and my kids or my sick husband needs me, but I've been drinking.  These thoughts and of course my health is keeping me focused. With Gods strength I can get past this and if I choose to have a drink at dinner out once, I can do it without fear of falling off again.  It's hard to see the grey when you've always been black or white. 

I'll update the cancer news tomorrow.  Until next time, 

Hang in there

-MB

I'm not the only one

 Today was an early day, we're still early in the phasing and today was a day that will mark the near future.  If the cancer has spread somewhere, it will mean .... what I'm not sure but more than I'm ready to assume, or so I imagine.  Today we arrived early for a PET scan and an MRI.  Doctors' orders, he will use these   two scans to determine the stage of the cancer, I'm not sure I have the strength to know. Good thing we don't find out until Friday. Because I'm tired boss, so tired. 

I've no room to complain, I'm just the "care taker".  I'm not the one with cancer.  

long hallways

A view I reckon we will be getting pretty use to.  News is in, treatments start March 1st.  For now, we're finishing up scans and learning as much as we can about what is to come. Hopefully Friday will tell us which stage we are at and what exactly we are looking at.   Today wasn't too much of a challenge, the iron infusion and fluids were administered. It took about 2 and a half hours, but they are in.  Were in good spirits still. 

I have some very fantastic friends, we've already received a large shipment of house supplies and tonight a dear friend of mine brought us dinner, after the long day at the Dr office it was much appreciated. 

We are so blessed in this journey.  

-MB

 

the cost of iron

 The hubs called me earlier, I imagine he was stressing over money.  The Dr office had called and said the iron treatments they're wanting are going to cost us about $300 and that his chemo treatments are going to cost us about $26. The second price wasn't the kicker it was the cost for the iron treatments.  We are sure he probably needs the iron, so I'm sure we will have it done I just wish a little more of the cost was covered.  

For those who pray, please keep them coming. Our cancer journey is really beginning no matter how much I try to fight it.   If you don't put your faith in prayer then please send all of the good vibes, 

Still doesn't seem real

 I catch myself getting grumpy with certain situations and it's challenging to snap back into my life and what's going on.  I guess in a way it doesn't seem real. "Doesn't seem real" is probably going to be one of those things I say in repetition and seems to still catch me off guard.  Because, like I said this doesn't really seem real.  

Things are in for time to come.  A very unknown time and an unsure time.  But a time none the less.  Thankful for the time we have and prayerful that we will continue to be granted more time.  In the words of Capt. Steven Hiller, "it aint over till the fat lady sings" and I sure don't hear any singing.  

Im not sure I can do this again

 The title of this post says it all. I'm not sure I can do this again.  By this I mean ... cancer.  Don't fret, it's not my diagnosis but rather my husbands.  The man I've known since I was a junior in high school! The same man I broke up with and married and remarried. The same man that I've carried and delivered 4 children for.  My husband has esophageal cancer.  

There's a lot of things I want to say about this, but I just can't find the words.  

For now, I'm still processing. I'm trying to breathe.