Sure doesn't feel like Christmas,

It's beginning to look a lot like .....  Christmas?  How many of my dear Dingleberries are ready for the upcoming holiday?  I'd like to say that I am, but Mr MB sprung it on me this morning that "we" needed to figure out the rest of the Christmas shopping.  Uhm, :clears throat: I was under the assumption that "I" was done with my shopping.  I figured out what all of my family would get and also what the kids would get for Christmas this year.  Honestly I felt that my part of the job was done.  Seems as though, my job is never done. 

We recently became dedicated to church and God.  This is hard for me at times, because I'm severely selfish and bitchy.  It's true!  Hence the whole " poo flinging" what did you think this meant?  Just sayin'.  So I'm a selfish brat who finds it hard to accept that I should happily do everything there is under the sun without help from anyone.  That when I ask for help I should happily understand when no one helps!  

As I said, this is hard for me.  

Mr MB, Granny MB and myself are arranged to be Baptized this Sunday.  This is hard for me to accept because I keep thinking I should be a new person before hand.  Am I misunderstanding that once it's done you're a new person.  I'm still going to think the same though, how can I rid my life and brain of all this selfishness I carry around with me. This guilt and anger and resentment.  How can I be Christlike with all of this I hang on to.  

I can't grasp an understanding.

What acceptance of Christ has brought me is a new and somewhat humble thinking.  I am so very grateful and love my life and family so much. It has helped me that I should ask for help sometimes. I shouldn't be to proud to admit that sometimes I just can't carry it all.  

So I've taken the good with the bad, at this point. Life will have it's ups and downs and before long I will level back out.  Right?

Yea so we also just married back in October, you all remember. All of my whiny selfish cry baby crap that I'm doing right now also falls under the whole wedding vow things.  So I'm like double whammy right now. I keep going back and forth with it should be a partnership, but I'm also in the wrong. I expect and expect the partnership to work at home with life, house, kids, cleaning. The likes of those. 

It's just a mess and honestly, typing it out, it isn't helping me work through it any better.  So let's get back to something that doesn't suck. Shall we?

Stupid holidays make me crazy! 

So I'm missing you all so much lately, I miss blogging, flinging poo. I miss all of that.  Boy monkey and of course Pokey keep me busy.  Last night Boy Monkey decided to outgrow his crib.  What  I mean by that is he is now so big (he thinks) that he's started standing.  He pulls up and stands.  So last night, I'm unable to get the tools I need or the help I need to provide a safe sleeping crib for him. Poor monkey slept in his play pen for a few hours and eventually ended up in my bed.  He thinks he sleeps better there anyway.  

It's shocking how different parenting is this time around. Boy monkey is quite literally the exact opposite of Pokey. It's mind boggling really. Yes I just said "mind boggling" When was the last time you heard that one? 

So we're quickly approaching Christmas.  I'm worried one gift for my dear cousin won't make it in time, stupid Hong Kong and their shipping issues.  Just goes to show you should allow more time for shipping when ordering gifts online for Christmas!  

I hope everyone has a super flinging Wednesday.  We're almost to the weekend, for that I cannot wait.  Then again I'm not really looking forward to the mad dash to get everything wrapped up this weekend.  Ahhhhh my nightmare!

Hang in there my dearest Dingleberries, will be over before we know it!   

Thought provoking

Warning... This post is of a religious nature, for those who don't approve, please come back tomorrow for something else!

 Some of you know I've been.... struggling... with religion this past year or so. Mama MB called upon God in her time of need, when she found out how sick she was.  She then found a church and reached out for guidance and support. With time I took to going with her and Papa MB. Figured it would be nice to spend a day doing something they enjoyed. I found it rewarding...

Mama MB got worse in worse in recent months leading up to her death. I rebelled and became very angry with God.  I quit going, not only because they weren't going anymore, but because I couldn't find it in myself to understand why this God was taking my Mama MB from me.  I was very angry.

Pastor said today, that God comes back and takes the dead from this place.  This earth. Does this mean they (the dead) are stuck here also until God comes back to take them from this place?

I want to believe, I'm trying so. I do believe... I think...  I keep telling myself she's in a better place.  I keep telling myself this.  Her pain and suffering is over, this much is true. That much I am glad for.  I'm glad she isn't suffering from her cancer anymore.  For that I am glad, but I'm just a bit confused as to why he said the dead will leave this place when God comes back. 

What does this mean?

Losing grip

source

** Note to reader, before you begin. This is somewhat of a religious  post. If you've no interest, please come back later for something no so real! **

I recently found myself aching to attend the church with Mama and Papa MB.  It didn't all start with me wanting to find religion. With me seeking answers to this life we live or what God may or may not have planned for me and my life.

It started with the simple desire to participate in something my parents enjoyed doing. Something that brought them some sort of happy.

I felt a pull and decided that when we moved, I would attempt to get a little more involved in the church thing. Try to attend times other than morning service only.  I've taken Pokey to the AWANA in the evenings and I've sat through the 6pm service a few times.

It's not so bad....

To the point of the  post...  I feel as though I'm losing what if any faith I've found so far.  With Mama MB's sickness only getting worse and worse. My little bit of faith is turning into anger. This is normal, I know. I've heard of it many times. Someone loses something or someone they love and they blame God for taking them away. For not making them feel better.

But it's happening to me...  I've just started the road to seeking out what they say  is God here comes the wrench in my chain.  Or maybe like the preacher man says.... It's the devil trying to get me!

What do you do?

Hang  in there!

Dream a little weird dream....

I feel my heart break as I stare at my now motherless child. She's sad, appears lost and confused. Shattered is all I can feel.

Today I sit as fearful and dreadful as I've ever been that I would ever die and leave my child at such an early age. I fell asleep last night with pondering of an "afterlife". My mothers uncle spoke of a near death experience while under care for heart attack.  I'm not sure why the thoughts came to me in bed.  I'm not sure why I let my imagination roam at bedtime. It's frustrating to say the least.

I've no idea how I ended up dead in my dream last night. It was very strange, because I die and then chose to go into the "light"  You all have heard about the light?  Well I go into this light and crawl out of a tent. What the fuck? My heaven is a campsite in Helen, GA?  Damn.  It's shortly after this event, and I'm not alone with this. It was strange, a faceless person, tall person was my companion. No idea. Seemed familiar, the man that is, but I've no idea exactly who he was.  So then I see my daughter, all alone, sad, confused and lost. Seems like she's on a playground, perhaps at school.  I'm devastated.  At one point, I come behind her and stroke  her hair and she knows I'm there, we chat for a minute and it seems like there is an "angel" or something telling me it won't be so bad, they aren't so cruel as to keep me from what I love.  But I'm struggling with the words trying to explain to my daughter what happened.

I'm in tears now just thinking about the tragedy, the terribly horrible thoughts I have regarding this matter. I believe, today, I'm more afraid of an afterlife than none at all. To sit and wander in la-la land unseen and unknown and watch everything and everyone you love live their lives, to suffer and mourn the loss and tears and sadness.  Also there is the thoughts of going to a place like heaven or hell and knowing those I love are far away on earth.  I can't see them can't talk to them, watch them grow NOTHING.  Just sit and wait with hopes that one day they too come to Heaven.  Going into the "light" seems like the most selfish act I would ever make.  Leaving.  It's fucking redonkulous!

Death fucking sucks. I'm terrified, only for today, with my thoughts and the haunting dream of last night!  I woke up mortified at the thoughts. I know where it all stems, like I said, for some reason I was thinking about what my mothers uncle was saying about his near death experience . In regards to the campsite, a friend of mine was mentioning camping in Helen over the weekend, due to the weather, that didn't happen.  I miss my daughter so very much and will make sure to get my big hugs and smooches today when I pick her up from daycare. She's been with her Dad all weekend.  The only real downfall to divorce.  Sharing my daughter! 

To clarify the strangeness for me.  I've my doubts in religion. I've no idea what's true and what's fairy tale.  Forgive my ignorance. My thoughts began to roam last night when I began to worry there is a God or Jesus and made me question why he would make my Mom go through so much in her 47 years of life. I'm just not sure. It's just not fair!