Four Letter Word

What's another word for love? 

As if Love isn't strong enough, isn't obvious enough.

But dare not to say the word.

The one word

This one word

And its such a small word

A big four letter word

It's destined to be a heartbreaking word. 

Damn....

Mama MB lost her fight with breast cancer tonight.  It's a sad day and she will be missed. Thank you all for always being here to listen to me.  Love my Dinglberries and I know she always appreciated your kind words!!

I shall love always

The waters crash around me.

I sit and stare.

Stare into nothingness.

Endless miles of salt and water.

The tiny fish swim around my toes,

occasional nibbles make me twitch.

Why must she hate us?

Why does she just not care?

To turn ones back and never say goodbye!

What did I do wrong to be shut out?

To have loves and never really received any back.

The lost and pain you've left me with.

The empty shell that remains of me.

As my beloved one  no longer wants,

no longer loves those who love no matter the pain.

(photo taken here)

Do you think I should trust her?

I found amazement in myself these past hours.

I found myself lost in the darkness seeking the person I once knew.

The person who could only say "Eff You". 

The one who could walk away and just not give a shit.

 I missed her most of all yesterday as a strange realization and fear struck home and shook the naive innocent me into something sad. 

I didn't want fear, I didn't want stress.

I didn't want love.

I'm amazed, simply because I made it through. 

That I came out victorious and the myself I thought I wanted to run hand in hand with,

she is now a part of me that I know no matter how hard I try to lock her away,

she is always a part of me and I need her. 

I need her to keep me...

ME!

I can keep on loving!

 She says it is OK!

(photo taken here)

I cried a little inside

::For starters, let me say I LERVE this picture, it's beautiful::

So today is the first day I've been treated like crap from one of my guy friends.  You've seen me blog about this one (guy friend) before I lerve him to death. I've considered him a best friend of mine  for a long time now.  Most recently we've chatted a lot and hung out a few times.  Looks as though those days are coming to an end and it makes me sad!

I don't know where he's going with that if he's just having another off day.  Only time will tell and it is what it is!

Fingers crossed for  this day to get better!

photo taken here

Lets turn these feelings off

I find myself distracted and worried that I'm making all the bad decisions possible and then something small happens, a giggle comes from my heart and I realize I'm just CRAZY!  It's weird having feelings.  Why would I ever want to turn them off!

"When you are in love you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams" ~Dr. Suess

As I pick up the pieces

I could feel my heart breaking in pieces as I lay there silently.  The rebreak of this lifetime. I sucked it up and held on tighter. Facing reality that not only had I waited all these years for this very moment, but understanding that it will never happen again. 

Somehow, (and I blame myself,) you unknowingly just broke me in two. Again. What a sad take on my life. My strength failed me and I let myself slip into the nothingness I'd lingered in for so long. 

::sighs::

It's another day and Im mending the broken, picking up the pieces and collecting my fears and sadness. This time of  sadness and suffering will pass. Just as it has in the past. Thank you for the moments!

 

(photo taken here)

Crazy little thing called love

(photo taken here, short but interesting read)

Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.  ~Elizabeth Bowen

I've come to the realization that I may be slipping out of the fantasy idea I've been holding on to in regards to love. I get sucked into non fictional bullshit that I see on television with hopes that True Love exists.  I'm sure that it does, for some people. I know there are people who go in and out of love situations and run into them head first.  Bound and determined to Love with everything that is them! I myself, am incapable of doing so.  I can't see the silver lining. I cant unleash my heart to love and care for a significant other.

Through my 29 years of life, I've trampled on several hearts. It hurts me to have done so. I genuinely hate that I am this way. It's something that remains unchanged. I'm lost as to why I lock myself down and refuse to LOVE endlessly and whole hearted. On the flip side I find it comforting to know my heart will remain unbroken.

Once upon a time in another life. I fell in love. I loved and loved and loved. Making few mistakes along the adventure.  For a very long time, nothing swayed my feelings. No one else turned my head. There was no one else. Call it a child hood adoration or what have you. It was what it was. I was in love. Granted it was the childlike LOVE we all have known before. Never once did I imagine what it might be like to actually grow old with this boy. Time came and went and then the shit storm set in. It all crashed in front of my eyes. There was tears upon tears, tissues piled upon tissues and my heart, life and love was shattered.  

To say it the only way I can, this upsetting lost love set up a tangled web of mess for what is to be called my love life.  Rebound after rebound, I found happiness only within myself.  Happy to have if nothing else, just ME. I enjoyed the company of many a person after said events and eventually found myself in committed relationship after committed relationship, losing sight of all the happiness I had for me.  Time lost and loves lost, hearts broken and many tears fallen.  I've never felt the way I felt back then. I've never had my heart stomped and tossed out to die again. I don't want to feel that loss again. I don't want to cry broken hearted and alone, to face myself asking why I was so stupid to let it happen again!  

I get lost in panavision these days, watching love story after love story asking myself, 'I wonder if there is ever a person for me to LOVE like that again. If there will ever be a point in my life where I can be strong enough or weak enough to just let go and say OK.' One song here lately just makes me melt, makes me go awes, I can only vaguely remember the time in my life where I think I could feel even a little bit like that!  Even still, not quite!   It's just not in the cards for me I think. Love that is.  I find myself attracting all sorts of things in this lifetime and yet all I can do is just say, Oh please just let them understand. For what it's worth, I am so sorry for that which will probably happen. Please understand it's just WHO I AM!  I'm burning bridges along the way and will sadly end up with nothing left but ME.  

Why doesn't this bother me?    That's simple, because deep down I know, it's all ME!