I had a rough start to this morning. I don't know why, just life and a bump in the road I assume. It started great with Pokey though. It really did, she wasn't pissy or mean, no yelling, kicking or spitting. A wonderful little happy monkey this morning. I was really genuinely happy.
On the way to work I started thinking,
I've been doing that some here lately. Time to blow the dust off the old brain I guess. Get some things to moving, because it's been a while. Since I've really thought about anything.
Mama Monkey Butt said the cancer was/is killing her. She said this to me on Saturday and though I wasn't strong enough to hold back the tears. To not let her see me cry, because she doesn't need that. She needs me to be strong, she doesn't need to worry about me falling apart. I can't fall apart, I'm her inspiration to keep on pushing. Because no matter what she thinks, or wants to think. She can beat this.
I think. I know it's going to take more than just me saying so though. She has to believe it as well. I think I hope she knows she can beat this. Defy her God and all of science and take this bitch down like no one's business! It can and will happen.
So I've done a lot of soul searching over the weekend and it pains me to see and realize just how far my friends and I have grown apart. Though were we ever really
that close to begin with? As some of you know, I started blogging, because I'd walked into a room of
friends who were talking about me.
(READ MORE HERE) Talking together about some things I'd been saying to them. Now I've never confronted them and don't ever intend on doing so, because it is what it is. I've done the same thing, far worse I'm sure. I don't know what exactly was said before I walked into the room, but none of that matters. It just means I started talking to all of you about some of my problems instead of sharing them with my
friends. It really is a move to protect myself really, to protect me from those who can hurt me. As you all know, I most likely will never walk into a room full of you guys and gals talking smack about the Monkey Butt! Right? Ya know I fling poo, so it would be on like some pop cone! Just sayin'!
So I've sheltered myself back in and still refuse to speak out. I did say something other day, because honestly I felt deeply insulted and offended by the lack of invitation lately. It's like no one wants me around anyway. Then when I try and prove my point it's just blown off, I then feel like I'm just there because I made a stink about it. Like deep down they don't want me there, it was just an invitation out of .... what? I don't know. I'm butt hurt about it and when it all boils down. I don't think there is much left to save anyway. Perhaps there never was.
Should I be sad? I don't think I can, because honestly, I never see them just as I may never meet all of you. But you guys and gals are much better friends than those I live next door too. Just goes to show, what you find in the world. We aren't all wacked out messes who could care less about those they should love and or care about. You Dingleberries are much better friends than most of those I've called friends for upwards of ten years. I think perhaps I've come to a crossroads in life and I must start weeding out those who just aren't a good fit for me anymore.
Getting old is weird.... Isn't it? This is my thoughts here lately, I blogged about them recently as well, some of you may remember. If not, welcome to my messed up world.
Hang in there!
If it helps, my BFF of 27 years wrote a very hurtful email about me to one of our other friends. She meant to send it to her, but instead she sent it to me. OOOOPPPPS, so I saw exactly what my BFF was saying about me in black and white. It hurt like a MF'er for awhile, but then I realized it was a blessing. Why should you keep those people in your life? Only surround yourself with people and things who bring you joy or add value to your life. Get rid of everything else. If you can live by that motto, your life will be so much more authentic.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of how I felt in my early twenties. Eventually I just said, "you know we have a couple friends of permanance in life and others are just friends of a moment. Enojy the moment while it lasts, and move on while its gone." Otherwise you just drive yourself nuts, and right now you have more important things to drive you crazy.
ReplyDeleteGod only knows His plans for us, and to Him the big picture is the next life. But faith conquers cancer more often than people think. If Mama MB believes she'll beat it, odds are she will. If not, she has two opponants working against her instead of one. My experience has been with those who a)think they've lived out their lives and b)have lost their spouse/loved ones, and c)have had "no real reason" to go on. They didn't last long, because they didn't want to. I can't say I'd have been any different in their shoes. The best you can do is present yourself as a reason for them to go on- realizing that if they don't choose to thats not a reflection on you. Its just their choice. Hang in there, kiddo!
Look gurl, you got a whole lot on your plate right now and you have every right to feel confused and hurt. Life's a bitch sometimes but crying over spilled milk won't get the milk back in that glass!
ReplyDeleteFair weather friends come and go in this life, family is most important. What is most important is not to forget the things we have been blessed.
Our blogs are a lot alike, except we have different lives, I too use mine as a bit of self therapy.
Sometimes tough love just doesn't work and we have to sit down and have a good cry and get it out~! Then move on!
At 55 I'm going through this 10 month unemployment thing thinking I can no longer do the things that made me a valuable employee in the past.
Is it the end of the world? Hell NO! The past is the past and it's now time to deal with my future, it's a never ending cycle of change and you can jump those hurdles. You have to because the hurdles never end, consider it a test of strength.
Live for today, plan for tomorrow. Live by your own words my blog friend, "Hang In There!" Believe it or not, it can get better.
((((Hugs))) All around!
You guys/gals are so good to me, ya see. This is what real friendships are. I love you guys/gals!
ReplyDeleteHey, MB, I see you looked in on the cap blog before I got two updates put onto the story! Be sure to check out the two updates, because the Dow story just got stranger! And you're welcome.
DeleteI concur with what the other dear bloggers have written. The only bit I'd add is how unable people seem to be to deal with other people's extremely stressful circumstances. It's as if unemployment/divorce/disease/you-name-it were catching. Ten years ago, my father was hit with serious heath issues. Friends that were 'always there' for me suddenly weren't. I'd mention what was going on with dad and they literally would not respond. It made me so mad! I don't know if this touches on what you're going through, but I thought it good to bring up just in case.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!x
Yay, I made my reply button work. I must say I agree. I think maybe some of them are just too wrapped up in their own lives and all the stupid politics and human rights to remember that they need to care for people. People they know, people they're suppose to love. It blows my mind!! :)
DeleteI too think that it's better for you to concentrate on those who matter, like your mum, than those twats. You're better than them :)
ReplyDeleteHey sweet thang, like it has already been said, friends come and go and you do certainly have a crap load on your plate with your mom and all. Try not to let whatever others are thinking or saying because it really doesn't matter in the end. Just try to stay focused on the really important stuff like your mom and I will be here to encourage you all the way and that is a promise. You are worth it girl and don't let anyone tell you different.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Odie
hey - girlfriend! I completely agree with Deb (JKIRF). I worked at an awful place that was supposedly a great company and I came upon an email, too, like Deb and it hurt. I quit!
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to have any feelings about those so-called bff's.
My motto: life is for the living, strife is for the struggling and mean people aren't worth either one.
Sure hope your tomorrow is full of life and goodness and happiness for your new one. 'When life gives us L I M E S, turn it around until it spells S M I L E'.